One down...

So I finally took my first final. It was... unimpressive. It was just another test, just over such a wider scope. But it went well, I feel.

Ah, my favorite joke...

moar funny pictures

ARG!!!!

I have one class, ONE FUCKING CLASS, that is ruining my ENTIRE schedule next semester.

Yes, I'm annoyed.

Also, I missed four points on the chem test due to poor calculator skills.

Ah, happyness, my fleeting friend...

So its back, the mysterious fog. Its my fault its back. I let myself slip. I let the junk food monster out. I've more or less come to the opinion I'm a junk food addict. I don't want to eat that shit, but once my mind decides it wants it, it all I can think about. And it was all I could think about last weekend. God, I'm so dumb.

I fucked up Buttons birthday because I couldnt figure out what to get her, so I kept putting it off till it was too late. I'm such an idiot.

I dont know what I should do anymore. I dont know who to turn to. I had the thought yesterday that now that we have a garage, I could pull Lil'Buddie in there, and me and Davis could just go to sleep, so he wouldnt have surgery and I could just finally sleep and not be a burden to everyone in my life. I could finally stop being the butt of everyone's joke. I could finally find peace, maybe. I dunno...

Yeah, that sounds a lot worse that I actually am.

Life, at its unfairest.

Davis has to have surgery again, this time he's going to loose his leg. His growth has gotten so huge and he's in pain and uncomfortable. Its just not fair. He's had such a rough life, and it just never seems to get any easier for him. I'm worried how he is going to react to loosing his leg. What would that be like, to be put to sleep in a strange place and wake up missing a paw? I feel so bad, for him, and for doing this to him, and for not wanting to do this to him. He deserves so much better from the world.

Button still hasnt found a job. She's been applying, but no one calls her back. She is taking it badly, and feels it is a reflection on her that they dont call her back. Maybe, or maybe she's applying for jobs she overqualified, and she's too afraid to really try to get a job that she should have, a real job for her, which would match her intelligince and excitement, and her belief in how things could be.

Her school has been going rough for her, and she is becoming disillusioned. She has such a pure spirit, and she was so excited and happy to go to graduate school, and now to watch her be beaten down by these people, and this school to which she had put so much hope and excitement and energy into let her down is maddening and upseting.

Its her birthday today, and we dont have the money to do anything. We're so fucking broke, and I'm so tired of being broke, and I am loosing my hope for the future. It seemed so bright just a little while ago, but now it seems so distant and dark, unforeseeably scary.

I'm thinking of applying for a night job at either schnucks or walmart so we can actually have some money. I dont know when I'll be able to sleep, but I need to do something to save us. Button and I don't see each other much anymore, so its not like it would be a huge adjustment, except we wouldnt get to fall asleep together, which is something I'd miss. But we need the money so badly.

The darkness of my mind is creeping in again, so I imagine thats colored my mind. I try to shove it aside, but it hides off to the side, waiting till I'm not looking to creep in again. I dont know what we're going to do. I love school so much, but I shouldn't have come back. We couldnt afford it, and I knew we wouldnt be able to. But now I'm even more in debt, so I can't drop back out.

What the hell?!

84 on my math test?!? Dammit!

I only missed the first three questions, and even just part of them. But I don't see what I did wrong on one of them.

But the rest of the test was perfect. I'm so pissed off.

Plus, now I have a B in the class. Fuck.

Update - Found my mystery mistake. I'm a fucking idiot. Dammit.

(Attempted) Philosophical Ramblings...

So I'm waiting for algebra to begin, but I'd thought I'd start a little philosophical homework early...

If god does not exist, to whom do we have a higher moral imperative to?

In the reading I still need to do for class, Kierkegaard says that we have a higher moral imperative to god above the universal (the morals/ethics of society). We could thus do things that our society would tell us is wrong or bad, but to god would be right. I suppose you could equate that to the people who bomb abortion clinics (which is a scary thought now that Button is volunteering at one now). According to us, and according to our laws, what Eric Rudolph did was wrong. But since he felt he was working for his higher power, i.e. god, he felt that his actions were right and justified.

I suppose this thinking could make the killing of the innocents in the bible and the smoting of Soddom and Ghmorra as cool as well. As long as your god tells you that you should do something, and he is your higher authority, where your higher moral imperative is, then you are not only correct but almost required to do the action you have been called to do.

So the question I pose is this: if there is no god, to whom do we owe a higher moral imperative to?

Obviously, the first answer is to yourself. But this seems to be a false answer, since we cannot be our own higher moral authority, because that would create a paradox where we would be both the lower and higher authority, both answerable to the other. So we cannot be our own higher moral authority.

We could query society for a higher moral authority, but society is already a moral authority, and it cannot be the higher authority and the universal authority. There has to be the dichotomy, just as we ourselves cannot be the HMA.

(to be continued...)

Halloween!

Its halloween! Our Display was quite a success, with several people commenting on it when I got home from work. Sadly, though, I've only had a Red Power Ranger get some candy.

Anywhoo... Boo!

7:46 - Update ~ Black suit Spidy and a fairy (possibly princess) got some reeses goodness.

Alan Keys is running a pyramid scheme...

http://www.alankeyes.com/pledge.php

Ha!

I think I did good on my Chem test. No reason to feel otherwise, anyways. And I finally took my time on a test. I've never actually done this before succesfully. Now I just need to study for my math test this weekend.

I've spent hours here on campus, and realized something... ...I dont feel out of place here. I belong here. Which is awesome as all hell.

Ugh...

I hate studying.

The tao of Steve...

Button is off to the St. Louis Vegetarian Society meeting tonight, so I took the bus to school early today. When I stepped off the bus, I was rained on. It was a soft sprinkle with large drops of rain. I've been reading a lot this semester, mostly (actually, only) in philosophy. I've actually been enjoying it a lot, and I think I've found my mind opening up a bit. Perhaps not like in the existence of the mind or whatnot, but on life. Which brings me back to the bus ride here, and Button's trip to eat vegi/vegan foods and our life in general right now.

We're broke, and we've been having problems. Mostly they both are related to buttons problem finding a job, and her disillusionment with graduate school. I'm having the time of my life anymore. I'm really enjoying school overall, and work is turning out to be pretty good. The only problem I've had was my little buddy car is having neurological problems and is being looked at.

But I think the problem we're having is this: I've found not quite enlightenment, but some sense of peace in the world, and with myself. Outside of the problems with my mom, I find myself feeling better, and much happier than I have in a long time. But Button hasn't. And I don't know how to share how I feel, and how to get her in the same moment as I am.

And I wonder if part of how I feel is from the stuff I've been reading. I chose existentialism because I thought it would be interesting, but I never thought it would be so life enhancing. Existence is what you make of it, and I find that thought alone to be amazing and life changing. We are what we chose to be, our lives are as they chose to be.

Two people can experience the same event but have two totally different moments, two experiences, totally different from the other, because how they chose to experience the moment. I find myself trying to incorporate this kind of thinking into my life, my mind. My world is this moment, and I shape it by how I experience it.

Apart from that, reading The Search for Schrödinger's Cat also influenced this thinking. Science tells us that we can't know anything about what we wish to study without experimenting on it, and then we can only learn what we experiment for, and only what we experiment for at the moment we experiment for it. Lost? We can only know about something when we study it at the moment we study it. We influnce it with our exam of the object, and it influences us as well.

Life, and our experiences during it, is influenced by our experiencing if, and we are influenced by it as well. We chose how we live our life, and how to experience the moments within it based in no small part on how we have chosen to experience previous events, and how those events have effected our own choices. We are victims to no one but ourselves. We are masters of ourselves, and our world.

And that is the single most awesome thought ever.

And what does this have to do with Button going to STL and me getting rained on? The sky was cloudy, but there was only one rain cloud in the sky, right over head, raining on me. It was a really cool experience, to see the actual cloud that was raining on you. In a sense, you are being touched by the cloud, it is reaching down and experiencing the world, and you. Sometimes existentialism is cool.

And no, I cant use any of this for class.

Madge

So I got on the bus this morning, it was raining last night, and its still quite ugly out. I trundle up the steps and an older lady says "Hi!" very quickly and slightly too loud. The other passengers on the bus are further back and away from ... "Madge", I should have seen the signs, I suppose, but part of my personal social experiment is this, meeting people and experiences on the bus.

So Madge asks me if I've gotten off the St. Louis bus. I say no, I just live in Troy. She begins to tell me about how she sometimes misses 'this' bus, and takes the 14X back home, to what I think was Highland. We ride in silence for a minute at best, when she starts to tell me that my feet are going to freeze off in my sandals. Walmart doesnt have shoes like that now, Madge lets me know, and she was lucky to find the orthopedic old-lady shoes she was wearing.

"Oh yeah?" I was really trying, but I had also realized I had fallen into the crazy-old-lady trap. The only escape was to run away, but I'm just too nice to do that, plus, this would surly make a great entry into the blog I don't update, I realized.

Madge then got out some pictures she had with her. Of course, I didn't have to ask her to share. The first one was a picture of the SIUe 50th birthday cake. I know this not only because the cake very clearly said this, but Madge helpfully told me. Twice. In thirty seconds. It was a really good cake, too. But she doesnt know where all the people went after the cake was cut. Obviously, Madge doesnt realize that students dont care about 50th anniversaries, but they do care about cake.

She contnued to share her ... wonderful pictures. Now, I have to tell you, as a former Certifed Photo Specialist(tm) for a major one hour photo chain, there are two kinds of amatuer photographers; those that can take decent pictures most of the time, and those who should never be let near a camera, much less behind one. Madge, needless to say, fell into the latter.

More of her pictures included going gambling on the boat. Someone there, Madge informed me, had tried to use her first name to claim money. The boat also had 16,000 of her tokens, worth 'at least' fourty-five dollars, and they refused to give it to her. But her and her daughter are going to go again.

Then we got back to cake pictures. It was a really nice looking cake, you know. "The kid helping the cake lady will be able to open his own shop after working with her, he'll know all the secrets!" So Madge knows cakes, too. It turns out Madge is going to give these pictures to the cake people, because her landlords (she has four) won't let her keep too much in her apartment. "If people treated them like they treat you, they'd have them in court!"

Another rider gets on at the Edwardsville station, and seeing that Madge is a crazy old lady, runs to the back on the shuttle bus.

Finally, we arrive at SIU. Madge is off to give her pictures away. I'm off to waste another class not learning anything because we're reviewing.

Happy Birfday?

So its my birthday.

It seems so odd to think that its my birthday. I'm suddenly 27? I think part of my problem with birthdays is that they are so intangible. Its hard to perceive how I went to bed 26 and woke up 27? I don't feel older (well, actually, my knee's were soooo sore yesterday. I'm so old. :'( ) and nothing has really changed from yesterday.

I guess Icant recall really celebrating birthdays when I was growing up. I dont recall what all we did, and I dont think we did much. I always had mom make a cherry crunch (almost like a n uniced danish, I suppose), and ... I dunno, I think Grandma and Grandpa would take us out to dinner for mom and my birthday. And I always felt then that that was too much. I've always avoided celebrating me, I dont like the attention, I suppose. I often feel bad because I know I disappoint Button, who works so hard on these birthdays with my lack of enthusiasm, but somehow in the end, she always ends up giving me some of her excitement at my birthday.

Which is why she's the most amazing person ever.

DP 101307

Patches!

Grr....

My Communications teacher was 12 minutes late today. She's 5 minutes late at least everyday. We did nothing the first day of class. We didnt even have a sylabus until the second class, and we spent the whole time going over that. So it took three days to even attempt to teach something. She wears nothing but pajama pants to class.

Now, I dont want super professionalism, or even ultra-comptency, but... I'm paying (or, will be paying back, with interest) a lot of money, and she's wasting it.

OF course, we got out of class an hour early last night for chemistry. We got out a half hour early the time before. If I keep track of this, do you think I can have a refund?

--

On a non-related note, I think I know my most dangerous enemy this semester: me. I'm bored. Math is the only class really challenging me, but I keep avoiding doing my other classes work, and Chemistry is going to make me shove something into my forehead. I knew it was going to be rough, but I guess I forgot how hard a time I have focusing when I'm not challenged. So I need to actually start on my comm and philo homework soon. Grrr....

Settling in

So, my first week of school is over. Its odd how fast it went. And it wasnt as bad as I had thought...

LOL

Saying Goodbye

I said my first 'real' goodbye the other day. It was my last time working with Erin. Its sad that I'm going to say goodbye to all these people whom I've come to know and love in the years I've been there.

I've started saying goodbye to some customers, just the ones whom I dont want them to have to go "Where's Steven at?". As opposed to the ones whom I could care less about. They might try and track me down to fix their problems. *shudder*

Its so sad and weird, leaving. I'm going to miss this place and these people so very much.

Well, things are getting better... and more confusing...

Good news - finally got married. Finally have a place to live. Now if I could just find a place to work. I'm annoyed beyond belief at how agonizing it is to find a new store to work at. I'm slowly losing my mind here.

And I fucked up the student loans, so now I'm waiting for them to be approved. I really wish they were clearer about how the process works, from beginning to end. It shouldn't be this vague. Or I suppose I just didnt read all the details, but I really didnt see any details.

I dunno.

But we're married, and we have a place to live, and I'm enrolled in classes. So things are moving forward. Slowly.

Coolness...

So I went to the United States Post Office today to get stamps, and I asked the magic question - "What do you have that is interesting?".  And I did...

Powered by ScribeFire.

The amazing thing is...

The reason I know we're going to work is the fact that we can always talk. Eventually we talk, and we sort things out. We steady each other in a way that reinforces each other, and ourselves.

I think thats why I never worry about us and our future together. In the end we find each other, for better or worse, and we steady each other. We are always there in the end for each other.

After our talk today, I feel as if a great weight has been lifted off of me. I know that we will make it through The Debacle and School and Life, because we will have each other; and in the end, I dont need anything else.

I found my lighthouse, and her name is Button. And I'm a lucky guy.

I love you so much, roo.

Ah... school

So I've gone and done everything now. I've sent my entire finacial history, swore I was an Illinois resident, and signed up for placement tests...

So now what?

I'm not for certain.

We need to find a place to live.

We need to get married.

And I need to figure out how to pay for it all.

*sigh*

I just dont know what to do anymore.

And now I cant seem to get good sleep anymore. I just wake up feeling so tired. I dont know what to do to change this, but I need to.

On the flip side, I'm slowly feeling better internally. I can usually mask it better than I did before, but I still feel it, especially when I'm alone. I guess the only thing to do is to keep going onward.

Much like moving our life away from this place, where our love took root and blossomed. Yeah, that was cheezy, but I'm feeling cheezy.

I want to love on her. I want to feel that emotional connection. But she doesnt. And I try to tell myself its not that she doesnt love me or that she's whatever, but it still hurts. I miss that connection we had. And I dont know how to get that back either.

Commencement

Button graduated today. Its amazing how fast time flies. It was just yesterday I had just met this amazing freshman and now she's an aluring and intelligent alum.

I guess that gives me hope for the future in a way I never thought of. Maybe school wont last for ever. Maybe we'll start our lives for real... not for real, I suppose... maybe we'll finally settle down sooner than it seems. Maybe tomorrow will be here sooner that it seems.

Dawn never seems to be here until you suddenly look up and there it is. I guess thats a good metaphor for life too.

Maybe it will all work out.

Once the damned wedding is over, and we get back to living our lives, of course.

...

I feel suicidal.

I'm not actually suicidal.

I guess thats an important difference. I feel tired of it all. I just want to be at peace, want to not be lost in the void that is my mind these days. I dont want to have to fake being happy anymore, and I dont want to see happy people.

I guess the thought of going to a desert isle with just The Bun and Button is the best one yet. All alone, away from the whole world.

I'm tired.

I tired of the world.

I'm tired of feeling alone, and left behind.

Awwww-ness.

Look at our little dude.

He's quite possibly the cutest lil bun ever.

Its amazing how full he makes our lives. And all he wants back is a little love. And a lot of Kibble.

I still dont understand how someone could abandon him. I just... dont.

Cutest. Thing. Ever.

From Bunny Cuteness

Soo... Davis is eating Kibble on the couch... and he gets done... and he goes to hop down... and a flurry of hairs fly off him... just like in the cartoons, when the cartoon leaves and the cloud is all thats left... like that... only cuter.

At the End of the Day

At the end of the day
when all the trials of life
seem too much to bear
and the shape of the world
yet to be is unclear

I know you're there
holding me steady
pushing me forward
pulling me from the edge

At the end of the day,
when the world is to much
and the road ahead is twisted
I know you're with me
and we'll get through
to the other side of life
together, side by side

At the end of the day
when my thoughts are full
of things undone and words unsaid

At the end of the day
there's only you and me
In my mind
In my heart
In my soul

At the end of the day,
At the start of the day,
and every second between,
I love you

And at the end of the day,
I find I love you more
than I did at the start

-SED 4/24/07

Grrr!

The down side of doing a good thing is there is always the reward. And its usually not a nice one.

We canceled our cable. We really didnt use it. Not really. But of course, now that Heroes has returned... I want my cable back! Whine!

Oh well, thank the non-existent gods for iTunes.

The odd thing...

I really like getting up early. Its nice, its relaxing. And I dont have to rush around.

And I like to work out in the morning. I feel more energetic.

That is all.

On other fronts....

I need to go to bed.

Remember that now.

1) Working out - I'm trying to get back into going. I was doing really awesome there for a while and then I got sidetracked... and then more, and then... well, it was bad. So I'm trying to go back again. I just need to go. So I need to go to bed instead of writing this. But here I am...

2)The Wedding (debacle) - My mom is a pain in my ass. If there was only a way I could brainwash her so I only have to deal with her when I want to... life would be so much easier. She wrote me an email about how the rehearsal dinner was her responsibility, and she was going to have a picnic, by god, cheerio! No, really, she ended her smarmy little blip with cheerio. So I told her off... and she hasnt responded in a week. Over a week now. I dunno. Anyways.

3) School - I need to find out what I should be doing now. And I need to work on getting some scholarships or something.

4) Life - I've been depressed again. I cant get back in my happy state. I'm sure its the above and more, and whatever else, but I just cant... switch it on. I'm hurting Katie. I'm hurting me. And I dont know how to stop being sad.

Its funny how you never realize your house has become a home, just like everyone else's. Until that is, you see a picture of your place, and you realize its just like everyone else's.

I love this place. I love living here. I dont want to leave it. I dont want to leave our life here.

I know when we get to Edwardsville, and we get moved in, and time passes, I'll be home there. I know that. But right now, I'm home. And I'm leaving it. Again.

I've lived in 7 places that I can think of since I was born. I've only truly called two of them home, and this is one of them. Its like an old friend that you're moving away from.

Ultimatly, I just want a home. And not move. Ever again. I want to settle down, have kids, raise them, get rid of them and grow into the irrasable cranky old man I've been working towards.

Oh, and I want a porch, dammit.

Life is interesting

We had another wonderful weekend together again this weekend. Its amazing how wonderful our time together is. I worry often that when the new school year begins that we'll never have that again. Soon it will be school and work, then it will be work and kids, and then you have your time together, but in an empty house. I'm going to miss our quiet weekends when school starts.

I'm terrified about going back to school. I dont know how we're going to pay the bills, how are we going to work, will we ever see each other? We both want the life that comes after our schooling, but I'm just worried about the years between them.

But then again, I worry a lot.