The cows have to be cold.

So I've been walking, third day today.  I've gotten up to a whole hour of walking.  Its interesting, and I get a chance to listen to some podcasts and think and relax.  But I'm so sore.  Soooo sore.

I'm listening to Prelude to War again.  I've been able to listen to it repeatedly for who knows how many times now.  I love this fraking song.  It's disturbing how much I like this song.

I know I've let you down.  And I've known for a while.  Which has made the cycle of despair and regret to allow me to do worse.  I kind of stopped trying, I suppose.  I could tell you what I've told myself, that work was tough, and school was rough this semester, and I also didn't have anytime for myself and whatever else, but the truth is I stopped trying at somepoint.  I don't think the problems are all your fault, or even mostly.  I stopped trying, and I stopped... I don't know how to describe it, but when I realized how bad things were, we were already a mess, school was faltering, and I didn't know how to stop it.

So I guess it comes down to trying to try again.  And this is the point where Yoda pops up with a helpful Do or Do not bit.  So I shall do.  And I will fail.  Because it is hard, and I'm not good at this, at improving myself.  But what I want to do this time is to get up and do again after I fail.   And I'm sure that you will kick my ass a few times when I need it.

I hope you know I love you.  I will always love you.   I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me.  I'm sorry you couldn't tell me what was wrong.  I'm not sorry I lost your trust, because I deserved it; I'm going to just work to regain it.

There are things in my life that are broken, in ways that are not good for me;I'm wanting to fix them.  

- Our relationship is the priority on that list.  

-My health, weight, etc is on that list.  I'm horrible about it, but I will start and I will try, and I make no promises or goals, other than to try everyday.  

-School is also something I need to do better, and I have plans for that which begun before the school year was out.  The sad thing about that is that the grades I got were almost a relief, since I was fearing worse.  

-I need to resolve the rift between myself and my parents.  This doesn't mean that they will be a part of lives again, or that they won't.  I don't see them ever being a part of our lives again, but I need to resolve this, because it weighs on me, and I don't want it to, but it does, and the longer it has, the more it has.  I don't talk about it because ... well, you know why.  But I'm going to have to solve this, because I need to move on.  

- There is a small bump on the bunny, but it hasn't grown at all since I discovered it.  I check on it every night, and its the same size.  But in march when he goes in for a checkup it should be looked at.

Ok, I'm off to do laundry.

Dp 122408

Common Theme: sneaking up

This post has a soundtrack which is in no way related to the contents, but just is awesome.

Its hard to believe that the year is almost over.  It seems like the semester was just begining, and thats spring 08 semester I refer, not spring 09.  I guess its hard to imagine a way to describe the passage of time, but it really is like holding sand in your hand, it just slips through and before you know you can be aware of its passage, its gone.

This semester was highly dissapointing, for many reasons, most of which had to do with letting myself be distracted by what I thought was wrong.  OR maybe it was wrong, and I just tried to deal with it and somehow that wasn't the way to solve it.  Along the way I lost track of things, and let school slip.  I guess I didn't realize how fast the semester went till it was over.  I'm going to have to focus this semester to make up this ground I lost.  

Dash has informed me its quarter till midnight, quarter till christmas.  I don't know how I feel about Christmas this year, it kind of came out of nowhere and hit as well.   I 'got' Button her tragus piercing for christmas, but otherwise we sucked at doing christmas this year.

I just emptied out the bottle of wine I started when I got home around 6:30.  I suppose since it took me 4-5 hours to drink it I shouldn't feel too bad in the morning.  I dunno.  I've spent the night playing on the internet, not exactly the Norman Rockwell Christmas Eve Special, I know.  Button went to a party and hung out with Sis tonight.  I don't know if she can understand why I get upset when she does this.  I guess I don't either, except I do.  I'm lonely.  And I just want her to be here to lighten my world.  I don't want to take away her friends, but ...  I dunno... I suppose I need to make friends.  

For the record, this was really great wine.  Good flavor.  

I'm listening to the Battlestar Galactica soundtrack for Season 3.  Really good stuff.  Season two was awesome as well.  PRelude to War is totes the greatest, but the whole thing has been really good.  I need to get these songs.  I want to listen to them more, some of it is truly great stuff.  The rest is just averagly amazingly awesome.

So, Button texted that she should be leaving soon, and if all the gifts are wrapped its straight to coon, which will be an issue since none of the gifts are wrapped.  

Merry Christmas, Button!

I love you!

Just wrong!

Am I the only one who gets really annoyed when they put baby jesus in the nativity scene before christmas?? I mean, seriously, ITS JUST WRONG . I know the irony of the atheist pointing out this detail, but come on people, get your shit together.
On my way the two finals that will suck in new and creative ways and will make my day suck. There will be brain jello-fication today. Also, I'm thinking wine with dinner tonight. Some sort of pain reducing libation. Beer is always good, too.
Back to supervalu; mathmatically I suppose i have traveled nowhere. Gotta love math for its just plain wierdness. And amth for telling me that the busses tires are spinning due to the coefficient of friction being lowered to almost nothing due to the ice. Before physics I knew that as well, but now I see it in terms of friction and mass and thier vectors, and i'm so ready for a break.
Jello-fication. (v. trans-): the action of ones brains changing to a warm jellomold due to the overstimulation and neuron decay of multiple finals on the same day. See: suicide-by-test.

Bwahahahahaha!!!

This is the absolute funniest, almost a wet christmas dream, thing I've seen in a very long time.

On the flip side, We now have two consecutive govenors in jail.  At the same time.  Fucking awesome.

DP 120808

The Post-Test Haggle. Points to be had, however they may be gotten.

O_o

Particles of zinc are mixed with an electrolyte (usually potassium hydroxide solution); water and oxygen from the air react at the cathode and form hydroxyls which migrate into the zinc paste and form zincate (Zn(OH)₄^2-), at which point electrons are released and travel to the cathode. The zincate decays into zinc oxide and water is released back into the system. The water and hydroxyls from the anode are recycled at the cathode, so the water serves only as a catalyst. The reactions produce a maximum voltage level of 1.65 volts, but this is reduced to 1.4–1.35 V by reducing air flow into the cell; this is usually done for hearing aid batteries to reduce the rate of water drying out. (Wikipedia)

Whats scary?  That paragraph makes sense.  I did learn something this semester!!

Bwahahaha

So, not counting 'attendance points' (wtf?), if I don't show up to the final (which I would, obviously, but you know) I would still get a solid C.  Without even taking the final.  Bwahahaha!!  Now if only freaking physics could have worked out more that way...

DP 120708

The Trains of Granite City have made the commute to work an occasional hell. I loathe them unlike any other that I have loathed.

42.6...

So I, being the google fanatic I am, set up my Google Health profile last night.  Plug in my information, link it to the prescriptions I've gotten at WAG, and .. well, thats all, really.  But then I'm playing with it today because it finally linked my prescription history to the site, and I notice they've ever so helpfully calculated my BMI for me.  Oh.  Yay.  42.6.  

So anyways, I have got to do better.  For the non-existant kids I may never have.  For my very existant wife, who I want to spend as much time as I can with.  And for myself, I suppose.  I need to find a path to doing this.  I will do it.  Somehow.

So my plan is this: 1) Begin to plan meals, and my life.  Running late is making poor choices.  I need to start getting up earlier and planning my life better.  This will actually make my life better all around better.  2) I need to give up soda again.   3) I will find a way to begin using the rec and excersisng.  See Section 1.  4) I can do this.

DP 120608

Random Bunneh Cuteness!!!

DP 120408

Why Eric does well in Physics...

DP 120108

Radioactivity is fun!

DP 113008 - Extra Addition

And so yeah, The Neighbors CO alarm went off, causing there to be onepolice crusier, one ambulance, two fire trucks, and a partridge somewhere. Crazy fun, man...

dp 113008

Hoppy Claws!

DP 112908

My wonderful family.

DP 112708

Scrabble at E's

dp 111708

Nickel nanotubes. Note the AgNO3 stains everywhere by the fume hood. dp

dp 111208

Calc. I really sadly dreamed about a day when I would have a class that had a blackboard like this.

DP 111108

So, there ya go. SL basement by the LECTURE HALL(??)!

Introducing...

After reading and digesting one of the books I got from Button for my birthday, I started to think about how to apply it to my life. The book, which for the life of me I can't think of the name of right now, was basically about appreciating the world around you. And I have a phone with a camera. And I still mean to update more often, so I have decicded to do this in the most geeky fashion possible and blog it.

So starting today (although backdated to the date the picture was taken for previous pictures) I give you (which is really me), Daily Picture!

DP 1110

Chem Lab - Women's One a day in 6M HCl. Few days late for boil, boil, bubble and toil...

DP 1107

Chem Test Study Session

DP 11/04

Change.

DP 1103

Fall. The best time of the year.

dp1023

Chem Lab - For the record, my chart was totes more awesome.

DP 1021

Tom.

DP 101308

Fall is starting!

100808

Chem Homework 7 - Acid Base Reactions.

DP 100708

Physics, lecture status - in progress.

DP 091608

Geese. They really should be the school mascot.

DP 091508

Chem Lab - oooh.. colors!

Sometimes you can't make it on your own...

After days of it getting worse, Button finally made me talk about the feelings I've been having. I guess it felt good to finally talk a little bit. I feel bad that I have hurt her so much and I need to find a way to improve our relationship, somehow make up this time to her. And I need to just accept that my parents just are not that interested, and move on.

Also, I finally had a freakin' day off from work and school. Felt so good.

I'm turning 28 in a month. I really can't believe it. I just simply do not feel that old...

DP 091008

Calculus. Its 1 part algerbra, 3 parts frustration.

Current events update

So, yeah... nothing to report

School is finally starting to take off, and I think I'm ready. I want to be ready, anyways. I want this to finally be the semester I finally am the good student I want to be. So far I'm getting into good habits, redoing my notes after my classes, etc. I think Calculus is going to make me its bitch this semester, but I'm going to give it a good fight. I have not decided how I feel about Physics, other than the fact that I hate that the class is so fucking packed. Like sardines in a can. I do think we're still at capacity, and until we get started, its not going to get any better, either.

So, we're off!

First day of classes yesterday... well, it was interesting. My goal this semester is straight A's. Which means that I'm going to be busting ass this semester. But not now. Now I'm waiting for it all begin. I mean, seriously... I feel like I'm spinning in place waiting for it all to begin. And we all know how much I hate waiting. Sigh.

Additionally, I so bombed a pre-test in calc. Which is worse because I know so much better. But oh well, things will be better later once classes gets going.

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Now playing: MSNBC.com copyright 2008 NY2 - MSNBC Countdown (audio) - 08-22-2008-194132
via FoxyTunes

mwhahahahhahahahahahhahaa!!!!

So today my phone is the greatest phone EVAR!!!!!!! I downloaded a program to unlock my volume bar to work as a scroll bar! Yay!!

So, I've become a complete dorkus maximus with my complete linkage of my mobile phone calendar to Outlook to google calendar, so I can full use them to keep track of whats due when during the school year. Bwahahhahahaha!! Flipping crazy, man.

Lil' Buddy isn't running, again. I fear this time he may not come back. Trying to drive up the hill on 157 over 270 may have done him in. I've never heard my car run that hard before. I'm waiting to hear what the mechanics say, hopefully tommorow.

I enjoy taking the bus places, and if I can, I plan to take the bus as much as possible this coming semester. I figure I can take it on most days that I don't work, which should be Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. I figure I can take the 13 in on Mon/Tue on the 7:13am bus, so I'm always at my labs on time, nay early. I can get some coffee, perhaps finish the prelab, etc. I'll be at school all those days, then take the 19 to Edwardsville, and then hang out till Button gets off work and go home with her, or she can pick me up at Wal-Mart or something along those lines.

I want to begin to blog more often, especially during the school year. I think having Dash will enable me to do so.

I need to go to bed, so we can get up early and go for a walk. I want to try to make it a jog, but we'll see. I'm slowly becoming increasingly disgusted with my dietary choices as of late, and need to straighten my path.

Also, The Dark Knight is coming out soon. Just sayin'....

The Great Quiet...

Being on campus during the summer is weird. Its so quiet and bright and empty. Not what my school usually is.

I'm thinking this semester I need to post more often. Just little posts throughout the day.

Also, I'm wanting to get into some more classical rock, the history of rock and expand my horizons a bit more. I need to find a good list of music to start with, I suppose.

My wife, my hero...

So my wife is wanting to volunteer again, possibly helping women who have been raped. Perhaps i've just gotten so used to her volunteering that I just dont realize what an amazing person she is. I don't know anyone who is as interested in helping people as she is. I have always been one to stay aloof from other people, but she has such a hige heart, and I guess sometimes I take it for granted.
My wife is as she has washer and I take it for granted - my phone wrote that line for me with sugested text. Sometimes technology has a growth delay...

On an unrelated subject...

3 A's, 2 B's in school. 3.7 semester, 3.6 cum GPA.

Yeah, I rocked it.

Life is what happens when you're making plans....

So, the cloud is lifting. Its not gone, but its rolling back. My bouts of depression seem to ebb and flow, and I still have no idea of how to control them, or why they happen. In many ways, its so hard to explain how it is to feel this way. I can feel it coming on, and I try to not let it hit me, to ignore it, but it rolls in, and I feel so... distant. And then things that shouldn't bother me find ways to wiggle into my brain. And I want them to not to. I want to be the happy person I am when I'm not consumed by the cloud.

Maybe its stress, maybe its chemicals. Maybe its choices made, I don't know. I just wish I could make it stop.

isolation

I don't know how to handle the increasing feelings of loneliness i feel coming over me. I feel alone so completely and I just want it to be over. I just want it, everything to end. I hate to say i feel suicidal, but i think i understand how someone who is feels. Maybe button would be happier if i was gone and wasnt burden to her life. And other than her, who would note my absence? The world wouldn't. My parents wouldn't. I dunno...

i'm so tired of feeling alone.

022808

Why yes, this did have something to do with Philosophy. How did you guess?

A little secret...

I'm tempted by the Philosophy Degree. I'm so very tempted. I think I enjoy philosophy. I really think I do. And I know its just because I know I'm going to have to go for a third year of pre-pharm before I can apply and I am just so tempted by this. I need to take more Philosophy classes already! Arg. I dunno what to do.

DP 0225

Chem 125a Lab - Titrations if I recall correctly.