[Godless Blogger]

Reflections on another year gone by...

I have spent the past few months trying to steady myself out (ok, thats a lie, I spent it wallowing in self pity and despair).  In all sense of reckoning, this year has sucked.  And I truly had a moment of .. pause.. I guess is the best term.  I paused.  You ever walk, and for whatever reason your leg doesn't respond like it should, and you miss a step.  Thats what I had happen.  It was and is a painful, raw feeling.

But I suppose like most forms of grieving, mine is following the standard five steps, etc.  I was certainly in denial for a while.  And then anger took root, and I was angry.  Thought that was short lived.  The depression certainly took me to new levels of.. stupidity.  I think somewhere around the denial and anger was a bit of bargaining.  I'm not going to pretend I've accepted it, but I've realized I need to move on with my life.  And I suppose one day I'll accept what has happened to my life.

Maybe.

So I guess I should tell the -3 people who might read this...

I'm trying to be more blog, less drama.  Just sayin.

Dammit, I hate when this happens...

For once, I guess I have to agree with Sarah Palin, thats not an appropriate cover.  I really do wonder who would have approved of that and thought it was a good idea.  It'd be different if she was an athelete, but she's a politician, and should be covered as such...  Dunno...


From Jezebel

Oh, its on!

Dear Rep. Shimkus,

For years I have watched and been embarrassed by your actions and your rhetoric, but I was never inspired by you as I have been this year. Between your cheap punditry and the disrespect you showed when you walked away from President Obama, to any of the many other acts you have done this year, I'm inspired. Never before have I donated to a local election before, nor have I ever wanted to volunteer or help with a campaign. But you've inspired me to do these things. I plan to actively oppose your reelection, and try to get others to do the same. I just wanted to let you know, and thank you for the inspiration.

"No God means the possibility of less suffering in the future."

Yes.

[Godless Blogger]

I know not with what

Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away / And I'm left to carry on and wonder why

I guess after my last posts I left this all behind. But in the end I'm simply out of people to talk to. Our marriage is over, and I'm left behind. The only thing worse than the fact that the person I loved and wanted to spend forever with left is the emptiness that I feel inside. I just keep going day to day, but I've lost my drive to do anything. In so many ways things are better now. We were miserable in the last weeks. But now I'm just so much more alone than I have ever been. Its a silence in the house that weighs on me, and I don't want to come home to an empty house. But I have no where to go, and nothing to do. I think to myself that I want to meet someone, but I know I'm not wanting to be in a relationship, I just want companionship, and its a selfish wish.

I never thought my life was going to end up like this. I never thought I'd end up alone, almost thirty and starting my life over again.

'Is there some place far away, some place where all is clear

Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wander, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No, it isn't how it's really meant to be.'

I wish I could have spun faster.

http://xkcd.com/162/

I just didn't know tomorrow would be yesterday.

Did you say it?
I love you
I dont ever want to live without you
You changed my life
Did you say it?
Make a plan
Set a goal
Work toward it
But every now and then look around
Drink it in
Cause this is it
It might all be gone tomorrow

So things didn't turn out right, does that make the past worthless?

So my wife realized/accepted/came to terms with her sexuality. One that's not the same as mine. I don't know when this happened, and I plan to discuss this and talk about it more, but the issue isn't about that really.

What do we do now? What is our future? What is my future? Who am I now that I am not her husband?

I knew the moment I first kissed her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. What do I do with my life now? Who am I?

Obviously, we've got a lot to still discuss. Divorcing now has a lot of down sides. But waiting isn't such a good option either.

But I don't want to spend my life without her. But we can't go on like this either.

I guess we'll just have to see.

Finals

Wow, I have not updated all semester. That's special. It's finals time, and the science building is quiet. I'll try to find a dp for today, I think.

Daily picture

Demo day!

School Updates

School always starts out weird. Its like you have all this nervous energy as the courses start, and no way to expend it. So you're all fired up and just waiting. Its so vexing. Of course, its also soon to be over, as the classes get going and the teachers begin to go into the class full tilt. This semester I have even longer breaks between classes, and I plan to use them as much as possible. I've started typing up my notes, and I plan to continue, although I've decided Calc might be the exception to that rule, since obviously ... its not easily typeable.


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