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My wonderful family.

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Scrabble at E's

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Nickel nanotubes. Note the AgNO3 stains everywhere by the fume hood. dp

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Calc. I really sadly dreamed about a day when I would have a class that had a blackboard like this.

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So, there ya go. SL basement by the LECTURE HALL(??)!

Introducing...

After reading and digesting one of the books I got from Button for my birthday, I started to think about how to apply it to my life. The book, which for the life of me I can't think of the name of right now, was basically about appreciating the world around you. And I have a phone with a camera. And I still mean to update more often, so I have decicded to do this in the most geeky fashion possible and blog it.

So starting today (although backdated to the date the picture was taken for previous pictures) I give you (which is really me), Daily Picture!

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Chem Lab - Women's One a day in 6M HCl. Few days late for boil, boil, bubble and toil...

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Chem Test Study Session

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Change.

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Fall. The best time of the year.

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Chem Lab - For the record, my chart was totes more awesome.

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Tom.

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Fall is starting!

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Chem Homework 7 - Acid Base Reactions.

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Physics, lecture status - in progress.

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Geese. They really should be the school mascot.

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Chem Lab - oooh.. colors!

Sometimes you can't make it on your own...

After days of it getting worse, Button finally made me talk about the feelings I've been having. I guess it felt good to finally talk a little bit. I feel bad that I have hurt her so much and I need to find a way to improve our relationship, somehow make up this time to her. And I need to just accept that my parents just are not that interested, and move on.

Also, I finally had a freakin' day off from work and school. Felt so good.

I'm turning 28 in a month. I really can't believe it. I just simply do not feel that old...

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Calculus. Its 1 part algerbra, 3 parts frustration.

Current events update

So, yeah... nothing to report

School is finally starting to take off, and I think I'm ready. I want to be ready, anyways. I want this to finally be the semester I finally am the good student I want to be. So far I'm getting into good habits, redoing my notes after my classes, etc. I think Calculus is going to make me its bitch this semester, but I'm going to give it a good fight. I have not decided how I feel about Physics, other than the fact that I hate that the class is so fucking packed. Like sardines in a can. I do think we're still at capacity, and until we get started, its not going to get any better, either.

So, we're off!

First day of classes yesterday... well, it was interesting. My goal this semester is straight A's. Which means that I'm going to be busting ass this semester. But not now. Now I'm waiting for it all begin. I mean, seriously... I feel like I'm spinning in place waiting for it all to begin. And we all know how much I hate waiting. Sigh.

Additionally, I so bombed a pre-test in calc. Which is worse because I know so much better. But oh well, things will be better later once classes gets going.

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Now playing: MSNBC.com copyright 2008 NY2 - MSNBC Countdown (audio) - 08-22-2008-194132
via FoxyTunes

mwhahahahhahahahahahhahaa!!!!

So today my phone is the greatest phone EVAR!!!!!!! I downloaded a program to unlock my volume bar to work as a scroll bar! Yay!!

So, I've become a complete dorkus maximus with my complete linkage of my mobile phone calendar to Outlook to google calendar, so I can full use them to keep track of whats due when during the school year. Bwahahhahahaha!! Flipping crazy, man.

Lil' Buddy isn't running, again. I fear this time he may not come back. Trying to drive up the hill on 157 over 270 may have done him in. I've never heard my car run that hard before. I'm waiting to hear what the mechanics say, hopefully tommorow.

I enjoy taking the bus places, and if I can, I plan to take the bus as much as possible this coming semester. I figure I can take it on most days that I don't work, which should be Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. I figure I can take the 13 in on Mon/Tue on the 7:13am bus, so I'm always at my labs on time, nay early. I can get some coffee, perhaps finish the prelab, etc. I'll be at school all those days, then take the 19 to Edwardsville, and then hang out till Button gets off work and go home with her, or she can pick me up at Wal-Mart or something along those lines.

I want to begin to blog more often, especially during the school year. I think having Dash will enable me to do so.

I need to go to bed, so we can get up early and go for a walk. I want to try to make it a jog, but we'll see. I'm slowly becoming increasingly disgusted with my dietary choices as of late, and need to straighten my path.

Also, The Dark Knight is coming out soon. Just sayin'....

The Great Quiet...

Being on campus during the summer is weird. Its so quiet and bright and empty. Not what my school usually is.

I'm thinking this semester I need to post more often. Just little posts throughout the day.

Also, I'm wanting to get into some more classical rock, the history of rock and expand my horizons a bit more. I need to find a good list of music to start with, I suppose.

My wife, my hero...

So my wife is wanting to volunteer again, possibly helping women who have been raped. Perhaps i've just gotten so used to her volunteering that I just dont realize what an amazing person she is. I don't know anyone who is as interested in helping people as she is. I have always been one to stay aloof from other people, but she has such a hige heart, and I guess sometimes I take it for granted.
My wife is as she has washer and I take it for granted - my phone wrote that line for me with sugested text. Sometimes technology has a growth delay...

On an unrelated subject...

3 A's, 2 B's in school. 3.7 semester, 3.6 cum GPA.

Yeah, I rocked it.

Life is what happens when you're making plans....

So, the cloud is lifting. Its not gone, but its rolling back. My bouts of depression seem to ebb and flow, and I still have no idea of how to control them, or why they happen. In many ways, its so hard to explain how it is to feel this way. I can feel it coming on, and I try to not let it hit me, to ignore it, but it rolls in, and I feel so... distant. And then things that shouldn't bother me find ways to wiggle into my brain. And I want them to not to. I want to be the happy person I am when I'm not consumed by the cloud.

Maybe its stress, maybe its chemicals. Maybe its choices made, I don't know. I just wish I could make it stop.

isolation

I don't know how to handle the increasing feelings of loneliness i feel coming over me. I feel alone so completely and I just want it to be over. I just want it, everything to end. I hate to say i feel suicidal, but i think i understand how someone who is feels. Maybe button would be happier if i was gone and wasnt burden to her life. And other than her, who would note my absence? The world wouldn't. My parents wouldn't. I dunno...

i'm so tired of feeling alone.

022808

Why yes, this did have something to do with Philosophy. How did you guess?

A little secret...

I'm tempted by the Philosophy Degree. I'm so very tempted. I think I enjoy philosophy. I really think I do. And I know its just because I know I'm going to have to go for a third year of pre-pharm before I can apply and I am just so tempted by this. I need to take more Philosophy classes already! Arg. I dunno what to do.

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Chem 125a Lab - Titrations if I recall correctly.

Well Holy Crap...

So actually went and worked out today at the rec center. It was wierd. And nice. I ate healthy as well!

So there!

School Updates

Button List Style:

-I'm sitting in Philosophy, which I was really excited about, till I got here. The class doesn't have a lot of meat on its bones, so to speak. And really nothing to actually *discuss*. ITs all definitions, and then how they reach those thoughts. There's nothing to think about, and nothing to discuss. So I suppose thats the problem with why the class doesn't discuss anything.. There doesn't seem much to actually discuss. I'd love to have Dr. Littman in another class, to see how it goes there. I dunno...

-I got an 96 on my Precalc test! Whooo! Hoo! I got a A on my Chem test, after the curve, but I ran out of time, which is why there was a curse, so sweet deal. Would have had an perfect on the PRecalc if I'd just paid a bit more attention. Dammit!

-ITs freaking cold out.

- My Chem lab is going ok, but I am slowly coming to really dislike Dennis the TA. Grrr...

Social Deficinacy

The more I'm around people, the more I realize that I have no idea how to be with people. I have no understanding of how to intergrate into a group of people with no connections to me ... or .. .I don't know. I can manage to do it at work, and I suppose its not as bad as I would describe it, but still... I feel like I'm at a deficit when it comes to social situations. I dunno...

Mismashing the two previous entries...

I've had some of the discussions covered in the book with my mom before. Well, I talked. She ignored. But still... I want to be different. I want to talk with my kids. Discuss things. Make them think.

Vowage:

In class today Dr. Littman was talking about the importance of staying up with the readings, and I realized that I've not really read almost any of the readings for this semester, and really, not in any class yet. Which is a dangerous thing for me, since I'm just a little too intellectually snobbish, and would be really likely to just let it slide. So I need to make a personal vow:

I, Steven E. Dick, do vow to read the readings. Every one. And write a paper of at least half page on each reading, stating topic(s) covered, authors view(s) [if applicable], my view [if applicable] and a summary. From this day (1/24/08) onward.

Wow, I'm such a nerd.

The oddity of life

aka - On another subject all together...

I still wonder about my parents. They never followed up. They havn't tried even once to contact me, or anything. And I don't know how to feel about that.

On one hand, I could be glad that I don't have to work as hard to ignore them. And it does validate the Button Parental Doctrine ('They F***ing SUCK!").

On the other hand... Seriously!? How do you not even respond? What. The. Fuck. ?. Your only son tells you that you broke his heart and he doesn't want to be around you... and you don't even acknowledge it.... fight for him... apoligize... rationalize... argue... something...

On the third hand, do they see me (or more likely Button) as the evil one, doing the wrong? Yes, I'm sure that my mom does. And my dad has the backbone of a weekling amoeba... (ok, I can spell amoeba but not dilema?)

I dunno... I'm confused.

Oh wacky school...

Another Wednesday, another day sitting in class waiting to begin.

Entry in Buttony List style:

-I'm really feeling good. I don't know how or why my mood works, but I need to figure it out and get some control over my melancholy feelings. I don't know how exactly to do that though.


-So far, school is going well. I'm really in it this semester though. This is real this time, which isn't to say that last semester was not, or that my awesome grades were not, but this semester is more like what I was expecting. Hell, we even learned the first night of Pre-C. I was overjoyed.

-Work is still assbackwards, but oh well. I did sort of relate the idea of the prisoner delima (ok, so I really can't spell that currently..) to work.

-Button seems to be doing ok. I just worry that she will let herself get worn down. She needs to start worrying about that more. But I think she really likes her job, co-workers non-withstanding, which is really good.

Weekends of Joy

We get such little time together these days, Button and I. But when we do get time together, I'm glad we're able to spend together and enjoy each others company as much as we do. I always wonder if this is how other couples spend their time, how they live, and I realize I don't care. I love my life just as it is.

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Day one.. all over again

So, this is semester the second. Already off to a brighter and better future than Semester The First did.

Chem Lab - Got Nate as a lab partner. Our TA has the awesomest african accent. This should be a really fun class.

Chem 121a - The freaking lecture hall was packed. I mean, just packed. This also looks like a good class, although its going to be a total repackage of what I just got done with last semester, but whatevs.

Pols 112 - I am equal parts looking forward to and dreading this class. Parts of it are going to freaking drag for me as total over-recall, and some is going to be cool. I like my teacher, he seems really interested and dynamic.

So now I'm waiting for Math.

So far, so good. Only philosophy tomorrow to go for new classes after this.

New starts to the same old things...

I picked up my textbooks for the upcoming semester. And... I really hope I don't have to spend too much time back tracking in Chem and PreC. That would really blow.

One down...

So I finally took my first final. It was... unimpressive. It was just another test, just over such a wider scope. But it went well, I feel.

Ah, my favorite joke...

moar funny pictures

ARG!!!!

I have one class, ONE FUCKING CLASS, that is ruining my ENTIRE schedule next semester.

Yes, I'm annoyed.

Also, I missed four points on the chem test due to poor calculator skills.

Ah, happyness, my fleeting friend...

So its back, the mysterious fog. Its my fault its back. I let myself slip. I let the junk food monster out. I've more or less come to the opinion I'm a junk food addict. I don't want to eat that shit, but once my mind decides it wants it, it all I can think about. And it was all I could think about last weekend. God, I'm so dumb.

I fucked up Buttons birthday because I couldnt figure out what to get her, so I kept putting it off till it was too late. I'm such an idiot.

I dont know what I should do anymore. I dont know who to turn to. I had the thought yesterday that now that we have a garage, I could pull Lil'Buddie in there, and me and Davis could just go to sleep, so he wouldnt have surgery and I could just finally sleep and not be a burden to everyone in my life. I could finally stop being the butt of everyone's joke. I could finally find peace, maybe. I dunno...

Yeah, that sounds a lot worse that I actually am.

Life, at its unfairest.

Davis has to have surgery again, this time he's going to loose his leg. His growth has gotten so huge and he's in pain and uncomfortable. Its just not fair. He's had such a rough life, and it just never seems to get any easier for him. I'm worried how he is going to react to loosing his leg. What would that be like, to be put to sleep in a strange place and wake up missing a paw? I feel so bad, for him, and for doing this to him, and for not wanting to do this to him. He deserves so much better from the world.

Button still hasnt found a job. She's been applying, but no one calls her back. She is taking it badly, and feels it is a reflection on her that they dont call her back. Maybe, or maybe she's applying for jobs she overqualified, and she's too afraid to really try to get a job that she should have, a real job for her, which would match her intelligince and excitement, and her belief in how things could be.

Her school has been going rough for her, and she is becoming disillusioned. She has such a pure spirit, and she was so excited and happy to go to graduate school, and now to watch her be beaten down by these people, and this school to which she had put so much hope and excitement and energy into let her down is maddening and upseting.

Its her birthday today, and we dont have the money to do anything. We're so fucking broke, and I'm so tired of being broke, and I am loosing my hope for the future. It seemed so bright just a little while ago, but now it seems so distant and dark, unforeseeably scary.

I'm thinking of applying for a night job at either schnucks or walmart so we can actually have some money. I dont know when I'll be able to sleep, but I need to do something to save us. Button and I don't see each other much anymore, so its not like it would be a huge adjustment, except we wouldnt get to fall asleep together, which is something I'd miss. But we need the money so badly.

The darkness of my mind is creeping in again, so I imagine thats colored my mind. I try to shove it aside, but it hides off to the side, waiting till I'm not looking to creep in again. I dont know what we're going to do. I love school so much, but I shouldn't have come back. We couldnt afford it, and I knew we wouldnt be able to. But now I'm even more in debt, so I can't drop back out.

What the hell?!

84 on my math test?!? Dammit!

I only missed the first three questions, and even just part of them. But I don't see what I did wrong on one of them.

But the rest of the test was perfect. I'm so pissed off.

Plus, now I have a B in the class. Fuck.

Update - Found my mystery mistake. I'm a fucking idiot. Dammit.

(Attempted) Philosophical Ramblings...

So I'm waiting for algebra to begin, but I'd thought I'd start a little philosophical homework early...

If god does not exist, to whom do we have a higher moral imperative to?

In the reading I still need to do for class, Kierkegaard says that we have a higher moral imperative to god above the universal (the morals/ethics of society). We could thus do things that our society would tell us is wrong or bad, but to god would be right. I suppose you could equate that to the people who bomb abortion clinics (which is a scary thought now that Button is volunteering at one now). According to us, and according to our laws, what Eric Rudolph did was wrong. But since he felt he was working for his higher power, i.e. god, he felt that his actions were right and justified.

I suppose this thinking could make the killing of the innocents in the bible and the smoting of Soddom and Ghmorra as cool as well. As long as your god tells you that you should do something, and he is your higher authority, where your higher moral imperative is, then you are not only correct but almost required to do the action you have been called to do.

So the question I pose is this: if there is no god, to whom do we owe a higher moral imperative to?

Obviously, the first answer is to yourself. But this seems to be a false answer, since we cannot be our own higher moral authority, because that would create a paradox where we would be both the lower and higher authority, both answerable to the other. So we cannot be our own higher moral authority.

We could query society for a higher moral authority, but society is already a moral authority, and it cannot be the higher authority and the universal authority. There has to be the dichotomy, just as we ourselves cannot be the HMA.

(to be continued...)

Halloween!

Its halloween! Our Display was quite a success, with several people commenting on it when I got home from work. Sadly, though, I've only had a Red Power Ranger get some candy.

Anywhoo... Boo!

7:46 - Update ~ Black suit Spidy and a fairy (possibly princess) got some reeses goodness.

Alan Keys is running a pyramid scheme...

http://www.alankeyes.com/pledge.php

Ha!

I think I did good on my Chem test. No reason to feel otherwise, anyways. And I finally took my time on a test. I've never actually done this before succesfully. Now I just need to study for my math test this weekend.

I've spent hours here on campus, and realized something... ...I dont feel out of place here. I belong here. Which is awesome as all hell.

Ugh...

I hate studying.

The tao of Steve...

Button is off to the St. Louis Vegetarian Society meeting tonight, so I took the bus to school early today. When I stepped off the bus, I was rained on. It was a soft sprinkle with large drops of rain. I've been reading a lot this semester, mostly (actually, only) in philosophy. I've actually been enjoying it a lot, and I think I've found my mind opening up a bit. Perhaps not like in the existence of the mind or whatnot, but on life. Which brings me back to the bus ride here, and Button's trip to eat vegi/vegan foods and our life in general right now.

We're broke, and we've been having problems. Mostly they both are related to buttons problem finding a job, and her disillusionment with graduate school. I'm having the time of my life anymore. I'm really enjoying school overall, and work is turning out to be pretty good. The only problem I've had was my little buddy car is having neurological problems and is being looked at.

But I think the problem we're having is this: I've found not quite enlightenment, but some sense of peace in the world, and with myself. Outside of the problems with my mom, I find myself feeling better, and much happier than I have in a long time. But Button hasn't. And I don't know how to share how I feel, and how to get her in the same moment as I am.

And I wonder if part of how I feel is from the stuff I've been reading. I chose existentialism because I thought it would be interesting, but I never thought it would be so life enhancing. Existence is what you make of it, and I find that thought alone to be amazing and life changing. We are what we chose to be, our lives are as they chose to be.

Two people can experience the same event but have two totally different moments, two experiences, totally different from the other, because how they chose to experience the moment. I find myself trying to incorporate this kind of thinking into my life, my mind. My world is this moment, and I shape it by how I experience it.

Apart from that, reading The Search for Schrödinger's Cat also influenced this thinking. Science tells us that we can't know anything about what we wish to study without experimenting on it, and then we can only learn what we experiment for, and only what we experiment for at the moment we experiment for it. Lost? We can only know about something when we study it at the moment we study it. We influnce it with our exam of the object, and it influences us as well.

Life, and our experiences during it, is influenced by our experiencing if, and we are influenced by it as well. We chose how we live our life, and how to experience the moments within it based in no small part on how we have chosen to experience previous events, and how those events have effected our own choices. We are victims to no one but ourselves. We are masters of ourselves, and our world.

And that is the single most awesome thought ever.

And what does this have to do with Button going to STL and me getting rained on? The sky was cloudy, but there was only one rain cloud in the sky, right over head, raining on me. It was a really cool experience, to see the actual cloud that was raining on you. In a sense, you are being touched by the cloud, it is reaching down and experiencing the world, and you. Sometimes existentialism is cool.

And no, I cant use any of this for class.

Madge

So I got on the bus this morning, it was raining last night, and its still quite ugly out. I trundle up the steps and an older lady says "Hi!" very quickly and slightly too loud. The other passengers on the bus are further back and away from ... "Madge", I should have seen the signs, I suppose, but part of my personal social experiment is this, meeting people and experiences on the bus.

So Madge asks me if I've gotten off the St. Louis bus. I say no, I just live in Troy. She begins to tell me about how she sometimes misses 'this' bus, and takes the 14X back home, to what I think was Highland. We ride in silence for a minute at best, when she starts to tell me that my feet are going to freeze off in my sandals. Walmart doesnt have shoes like that now, Madge lets me know, and she was lucky to find the orthopedic old-lady shoes she was wearing.

"Oh yeah?" I was really trying, but I had also realized I had fallen into the crazy-old-lady trap. The only escape was to run away, but I'm just too nice to do that, plus, this would surly make a great entry into the blog I don't update, I realized.

Madge then got out some pictures she had with her. Of course, I didn't have to ask her to share. The first one was a picture of the SIUe 50th birthday cake. I know this not only because the cake very clearly said this, but Madge helpfully told me. Twice. In thirty seconds. It was a really good cake, too. But she doesnt know where all the people went after the cake was cut. Obviously, Madge doesnt realize that students dont care about 50th anniversaries, but they do care about cake.

She contnued to share her ... wonderful pictures. Now, I have to tell you, as a former Certifed Photo Specialist(tm) for a major one hour photo chain, there are two kinds of amatuer photographers; those that can take decent pictures most of the time, and those who should never be let near a camera, much less behind one. Madge, needless to say, fell into the latter.

More of her pictures included going gambling on the boat. Someone there, Madge informed me, had tried to use her first name to claim money. The boat also had 16,000 of her tokens, worth 'at least' fourty-five dollars, and they refused to give it to her. But her and her daughter are going to go again.

Then we got back to cake pictures. It was a really nice looking cake, you know. "The kid helping the cake lady will be able to open his own shop after working with her, he'll know all the secrets!" So Madge knows cakes, too. It turns out Madge is going to give these pictures to the cake people, because her landlords (she has four) won't let her keep too much in her apartment. "If people treated them like they treat you, they'd have them in court!"

Another rider gets on at the Edwardsville station, and seeing that Madge is a crazy old lady, runs to the back on the shuttle bus.

Finally, we arrive at SIU. Madge is off to give her pictures away. I'm off to waste another class not learning anything because we're reviewing.

Happy Birfday?

So its my birthday.

It seems so odd to think that its my birthday. I'm suddenly 27? I think part of my problem with birthdays is that they are so intangible. Its hard to perceive how I went to bed 26 and woke up 27? I don't feel older (well, actually, my knee's were soooo sore yesterday. I'm so old. :'( ) and nothing has really changed from yesterday.

I guess Icant recall really celebrating birthdays when I was growing up. I dont recall what all we did, and I dont think we did much. I always had mom make a cherry crunch (almost like a n uniced danish, I suppose), and ... I dunno, I think Grandma and Grandpa would take us out to dinner for mom and my birthday. And I always felt then that that was too much. I've always avoided celebrating me, I dont like the attention, I suppose. I often feel bad because I know I disappoint Button, who works so hard on these birthdays with my lack of enthusiasm, but somehow in the end, she always ends up giving me some of her excitement at my birthday.

Which is why she's the most amazing person ever.

DP 101307

Patches!

Grr....

My Communications teacher was 12 minutes late today. She's 5 minutes late at least everyday. We did nothing the first day of class. We didnt even have a sylabus until the second class, and we spent the whole time going over that. So it took three days to even attempt to teach something. She wears nothing but pajama pants to class.

Now, I dont want super professionalism, or even ultra-comptency, but... I'm paying (or, will be paying back, with interest) a lot of money, and she's wasting it.

OF course, we got out of class an hour early last night for chemistry. We got out a half hour early the time before. If I keep track of this, do you think I can have a refund?

--

On a non-related note, I think I know my most dangerous enemy this semester: me. I'm bored. Math is the only class really challenging me, but I keep avoiding doing my other classes work, and Chemistry is going to make me shove something into my forehead. I knew it was going to be rough, but I guess I forgot how hard a time I have focusing when I'm not challenged. So I need to actually start on my comm and philo homework soon. Grrr....

Settling in

So, my first week of school is over. Its odd how fast it went. And it wasnt as bad as I had thought...

LOL

Saying Goodbye

I said my first 'real' goodbye the other day. It was my last time working with Erin. Its sad that I'm going to say goodbye to all these people whom I've come to know and love in the years I've been there.

I've started saying goodbye to some customers, just the ones whom I dont want them to have to go "Where's Steven at?". As opposed to the ones whom I could care less about. They might try and track me down to fix their problems. *shudder*

Its so sad and weird, leaving. I'm going to miss this place and these people so very much.

Well, things are getting better... and more confusing...

Good news - finally got married. Finally have a place to live. Now if I could just find a place to work. I'm annoyed beyond belief at how agonizing it is to find a new store to work at. I'm slowly losing my mind here.

And I fucked up the student loans, so now I'm waiting for them to be approved. I really wish they were clearer about how the process works, from beginning to end. It shouldn't be this vague. Or I suppose I just didnt read all the details, but I really didnt see any details.

I dunno.

But we're married, and we have a place to live, and I'm enrolled in classes. So things are moving forward. Slowly.

Coolness...

So I went to the United States Post Office today to get stamps, and I asked the magic question - "What do you have that is interesting?".  And I did...

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The amazing thing is...

The reason I know we're going to work is the fact that we can always talk. Eventually we talk, and we sort things out. We steady each other in a way that reinforces each other, and ourselves.

I think thats why I never worry about us and our future together. In the end we find each other, for better or worse, and we steady each other. We are always there in the end for each other.

After our talk today, I feel as if a great weight has been lifted off of me. I know that we will make it through The Debacle and School and Life, because we will have each other; and in the end, I dont need anything else.

I found my lighthouse, and her name is Button. And I'm a lucky guy.

I love you so much, roo.

Ah... school

So I've gone and done everything now. I've sent my entire finacial history, swore I was an Illinois resident, and signed up for placement tests...

So now what?

I'm not for certain.

We need to find a place to live.

We need to get married.

And I need to figure out how to pay for it all.

*sigh*

I just dont know what to do anymore.

And now I cant seem to get good sleep anymore. I just wake up feeling so tired. I dont know what to do to change this, but I need to.

On the flip side, I'm slowly feeling better internally. I can usually mask it better than I did before, but I still feel it, especially when I'm alone. I guess the only thing to do is to keep going onward.

Much like moving our life away from this place, where our love took root and blossomed. Yeah, that was cheezy, but I'm feeling cheezy.

I want to love on her. I want to feel that emotional connection. But she doesnt. And I try to tell myself its not that she doesnt love me or that she's whatever, but it still hurts. I miss that connection we had. And I dont know how to get that back either.

Commencement

Button graduated today. Its amazing how fast time flies. It was just yesterday I had just met this amazing freshman and now she's an aluring and intelligent alum.

I guess that gives me hope for the future in a way I never thought of. Maybe school wont last for ever. Maybe we'll start our lives for real... not for real, I suppose... maybe we'll finally settle down sooner than it seems. Maybe tomorrow will be here sooner that it seems.

Dawn never seems to be here until you suddenly look up and there it is. I guess thats a good metaphor for life too.

Maybe it will all work out.

Once the damned wedding is over, and we get back to living our lives, of course.

...

I feel suicidal.

I'm not actually suicidal.

I guess thats an important difference. I feel tired of it all. I just want to be at peace, want to not be lost in the void that is my mind these days. I dont want to have to fake being happy anymore, and I dont want to see happy people.

I guess the thought of going to a desert isle with just The Bun and Button is the best one yet. All alone, away from the whole world.

I'm tired.

I tired of the world.

I'm tired of feeling alone, and left behind.

Awwww-ness.

Look at our little dude.

He's quite possibly the cutest lil bun ever.

Its amazing how full he makes our lives. And all he wants back is a little love. And a lot of Kibble.

I still dont understand how someone could abandon him. I just... dont.

Cutest. Thing. Ever.

From Bunny Cuteness

Soo... Davis is eating Kibble on the couch... and he gets done... and he goes to hop down... and a flurry of hairs fly off him... just like in the cartoons, when the cartoon leaves and the cloud is all thats left... like that... only cuter.

At the End of the Day

At the end of the day
when all the trials of life
seem too much to bear
and the shape of the world
yet to be is unclear

I know you're there
holding me steady
pushing me forward
pulling me from the edge

At the end of the day,
when the world is to much
and the road ahead is twisted
I know you're with me
and we'll get through
to the other side of life
together, side by side

At the end of the day
when my thoughts are full
of things undone and words unsaid

At the end of the day
there's only you and me
In my mind
In my heart
In my soul

At the end of the day,
At the start of the day,
and every second between,
I love you

And at the end of the day,
I find I love you more
than I did at the start

-SED 4/24/07

Grrr!

The down side of doing a good thing is there is always the reward. And its usually not a nice one.

We canceled our cable. We really didnt use it. Not really. But of course, now that Heroes has returned... I want my cable back! Whine!

Oh well, thank the non-existent gods for iTunes.

The odd thing...

I really like getting up early. Its nice, its relaxing. And I dont have to rush around.

And I like to work out in the morning. I feel more energetic.

That is all.

On other fronts....

I need to go to bed.

Remember that now.

1) Working out - I'm trying to get back into going. I was doing really awesome there for a while and then I got sidetracked... and then more, and then... well, it was bad. So I'm trying to go back again. I just need to go. So I need to go to bed instead of writing this. But here I am...

2)The Wedding (debacle) - My mom is a pain in my ass. If there was only a way I could brainwash her so I only have to deal with her when I want to... life would be so much easier. She wrote me an email about how the rehearsal dinner was her responsibility, and she was going to have a picnic, by god, cheerio! No, really, she ended her smarmy little blip with cheerio. So I told her off... and she hasnt responded in a week. Over a week now. I dunno. Anyways.

3) School - I need to find out what I should be doing now. And I need to work on getting some scholarships or something.

4) Life - I've been depressed again. I cant get back in my happy state. I'm sure its the above and more, and whatever else, but I just cant... switch it on. I'm hurting Katie. I'm hurting me. And I dont know how to stop being sad.

Its funny how you never realize your house has become a home, just like everyone else's. Until that is, you see a picture of your place, and you realize its just like everyone else's.

I love this place. I love living here. I dont want to leave it. I dont want to leave our life here.

I know when we get to Edwardsville, and we get moved in, and time passes, I'll be home there. I know that. But right now, I'm home. And I'm leaving it. Again.

I've lived in 7 places that I can think of since I was born. I've only truly called two of them home, and this is one of them. Its like an old friend that you're moving away from.

Ultimatly, I just want a home. And not move. Ever again. I want to settle down, have kids, raise them, get rid of them and grow into the irrasable cranky old man I've been working towards.

Oh, and I want a porch, dammit.

Life is interesting

We had another wonderful weekend together again this weekend. Its amazing how wonderful our time together is. I worry often that when the new school year begins that we'll never have that again. Soon it will be school and work, then it will be work and kids, and then you have your time together, but in an empty house. I'm going to miss our quiet weekends when school starts.

I'm terrified about going back to school. I dont know how we're going to pay the bills, how are we going to work, will we ever see each other? We both want the life that comes after our schooling, but I'm just worried about the years between them.

But then again, I worry a lot.

Owie?

My muscles hurt. Well, not so much hurt as just extremely sore... I way overdid it last night at the gym. I havnt worked out in ages, so when I go back I of course do the intelligent thing and overextend muscles. Genius. Pure freaking genius.

Sooo tiiiiired

I want to sleep so bad. I'm exhasted. And it makes my work quality suck. A lot. *sigh*

I finally realized why I dont want to discuss going back to school at work today. It'd be made a joke. I like joking around, but I hate how Tim mocks everyone constantly in front of everyone while is your best buddie when you're alone. I hate two-faced people, and he is a two faced man.

In other news, I ordered the information from SIUE, and I'm gonna hopefull look at the U of I tonight, since I wont be doing anything useful and will be forced to stay up till forever. *grumble*

On a different subject..

I've been thinking about getting a piercing. I dunno, it just sounded good. But its me, and I dont want to have a million discussions about it, so I dont want a visable one, so I'm thinking about I dunno... its odd to think about. Maybe this is just from all the changes that I've been thinking about... or... I dunno. I've played with the thought of getting something done off and on for a while. We discussed getting my ear done, but I dont want to have to explain to everyone I know why I got it. I dont want something wierd, and I'm not interested in having a gazzillion holes in me. Just something different, I guess.

Yeah, so I'm odd.

News'ed out.

So I have five newspapers to read. I've always been a voracious reader. I love to read... anything. Newsweek, whatever newspaper I can get my hands on, Cosmo, anything. Button mocked me once for reading her government book for fun once. Today, however, I have learned that I do seem to have a limit. Five newspapers seems to be on the upward limit. At this point I can skip the news, which seems to be redundant after three of the five, so its more interesting to read the "other" articles. Dunno... I'm twisted somehow.

We spent Saturday with Buttons parents. And surprisingly, it went 100% smoothly. We spent most of the day shopping, as her family is wont to do. We treated them to lunch for thier anniversary, and they treated button to clothes... and shoes... and sugar... and more stuff. Her dad and I hung out a bit while her mom and her shopped. It was intresting to say the least. I enjoy talking to him a lot... I just we had multiple topics when we talked. He's so much like Button. He gets on a subject and ... sticks to it.

I dunno.. The world is wierd somedays.

Amazing how the time flies...

So I need to get my drivers license renewed. Again. I'm getting old, dammit. Grrr... Its how how it goes by so fast. Button and I have been living together for two years. I practically call it a marriage, and we're just getting fucked by the man.

So I need to order some information for getting into Phram school... and I have no idea what I need to order, or what I need to send in. I suppose I should find out how to look up my ACT score again... and... er... if I could get any of my Robert Morris scores to carry over... yeah, thats a joke.

anywhooo.... still lost in the moreass of life...

A fresh start.. ...or the horrid continuation...

So, heres the thing... I love to learn. I love knowledge. I love to try to wrap my brain around things, learn the hows and whys of the world at large. And I love my job. I love working at the Phram, and helping people. When I took it, I didnt really know what I was taking on, just that I was so very fucking bored in photo. But the more I'm in The Phram, the more I like it.

And I want to do more. I regret not finishing college, even if it was fucking Robert Morris. I resent paying my student loans, since I'm paying for a net of nothing. And it irks me that whereever I go, I'll be pre-judged for not sticking it out finacially and testicularly and gotten a degree when I meet college kids daily that are dumber than a fucking box of rocks.

And whats more, I watch the RpH's at work. I could do it. Not now, I mean, but I could be a pharmacist. I want to be one. And thats the problem... How?

I've thought a lot about going back to school. How to pay for it, how to find a way to work, go to school, do homework, and still spend time with Button.

So now we've talked about it, and we're looking into it. But good god... SIX years of school. When/if I start classes next year, I'll be 26. I'd graduate with a PharmD when I'm 32. In 2013. We could do it. It'd be very rough for at least the first two years, when we'd both be in school. If Button graduates with her masters in 2008 and starts working full time, that'd make it easier for me to do it...

And I havnt been to school since 99? 2000? 5-6 years... amazing how fast its gone by.

All in all, I'm scared. Really and truly scared. But I want this, and it'd be good for me. For my family, now, and in the future. So I guess I'm going to be suffering for a while to come.

Wish me luck...

Meh.

Its odd how there are just... blah days. You have projects to be done, but lack the total and complete interest in doing them in any fashion. That would be me, today. Meh is the word of the day! Meh! I have this odd weekday off so I can waste my wonderful weekend time *working*. Meh. Its raining. Meh.

Meh, I say, Meh.

Ah, freshness!

I made my first ever Fried Green Tomatoes today. They were excellent! Somehow I just never had thought that I'd end up the person who could cook, and wasnt afraid to. And cook good! It amazes me sometimes how as we go along we learn more and more and become so much more adept at living and doing those things we need to and those things we like to, and how sometimes they become the same.

We planted tomatos late in the season, and about a month ago, they started coming ripe, so today was our own tomatos, from our garden. The best part of cooking for yourself, from scratch as much as possible is the amount of money you save. Today's cost: $3.69. Peanut Oil was all I needed to buy. Somehow it never seemed that easy or cheap when I was living with my parents and every meal came wrapped, boxed or frozen. And it is so much tastier than the prepacked, precooked, preflavored food you get in the store.

Of course, dont get me wrong, I still eat that too. Sometimes you have to just be lazy, we're only human after all.

TVD's Fried Green Tomatos
2-3 green tomatoes
salt, paprika, pepper and cyanne
flour
Peanut Oil
breading of your choice (I used wheat bran flakes)
Egg Wash (or rice milk, oil and water)

Slice the tomatoes, apply spices liberally. Let sit for 5 minutes while prepping egg mixture. dredge tomatos in the flour, dunk them in the egg mixture, then breading. Fry till done.

Enjoy.

Ahh!! Laundry!

Ahhhh !!!

Laundry!

The 902 Jackson Laundry Mat is open as of... well, yesterday. But today I've hijacked it for our own uses, namely the huge pile of laundry I'm doing!! Probably $40+ worth of laundry for free! Sweet, glorious free-ness. Well, mostly free. $10 a month is worth the damned ease of doing loads of laundry down the stairs. I can go downstairs barefoot, do laundry, and not even leave the premisis. Ah, Eric, you have almost redeemed yourself for the fact it took so long to do...

Tags: laundry

The Music of Us

Its amazing how you sometimes think about things, and how they can mark the milestones of your life. I often find myself looking through our (sign of the modern times and all) iTunes purchased playlist, and I always look through the songs, and the memories they bring back. Its sometimes somber, sometimes deliriously happy or just mush-ily cute. But its always us, for better or worse, and the memories are always amazing. Its a rich history we have already, and I cant imagine it any other way...



Accidently in love, Are you gonna be my girl - The begining of that magical summer of love. The summer without drama, when everything was new and awkward and indescribably perfect. We had no idea of the future to come because the present was so amazing. The Sangamon County Fair, The computers in the basement, grilling, and all those movies. Staying up way to late just holding each other.
She will be loved, With you - Summer waning, Button leaving for Californiacation Trip 2, Watchng her plane take off, Waiting for her to come back, The state fair.
I'll be seeing you - The Notebook, Button going to college
Days go by, My happy ending - Decatur. Crum. Him. Drama. So much unnessicary drama. Saddness.
Vienna, Riverwide - Depression. Why Button bought Riverwide is beyond me since I had it. Decatur in the rain, Walgreens in the background, oh the eerie premonition...
California - Button discovers the OC. Our TV habits never recover.
Sharp Dressed Man - Christmas '04. The deepest dark hole I ever remember being in. The new Apt.
Wonderful Tonight - Valentines '05. The best look of surprise on Button's face... Ever.
Forever Young - "...win or lose..." Laughing with the love of my life...
Dancing with Myself - Lucy. This is still Lucy's favorite song.
Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves - Cher with Sara. THE DRIVE THAT WOULD NOT END.
Holiday, Blvd of Broken Dreams, Honkytonk U - TVD retakes control of the musical selection... for better or worse.
Making Memories of Us - Picking Button up from Lantz, surprising her with this song. Spring '05...
These Boots are made for Walking - Summer '05 - Bike rides, laughter, SWIMMING, The Dukes of Hazzard, grilling...
Hollaback Girl - Pancake Sunday. I hear this song and I think of pancake sunday. And 867-5309.
You and Me - Button comes home to me. Fall Semestyer begins for her. Fall. Our birthdays.
Rock and Roll Queen - OC Season 3 - DRAMA!
I walk the Line/Ring of Fire - Walk the line. Cooning with Button at the theatre.
Anything but Mine - January '06 - The begining of the Hell Semester, The New Apt
Always on Your Side - Our 2nd Anniversary. Jimmy Johns in coon. The perfect anniversary, really.
You're Beautiful - Late night Wal-Mart Trips.

I love you Baby.

oh... my legs

Ahhh...weekends, my favorite part of the ... er.. week. Relaxing with my Button, having fun and being us! Let me see, since its been forever...

• Button's classes are almost over for the semester (yay!)
• Work is going much better since that person who I wont name is now gone. Ding dong... you fill in the rest
• I'm getting my continuing education hours knocked out. Six hours down, 14 to go.
• I'm thinking about trying to home brew some beer, just to experiment. It could be a lot of fun... and tasty, I hope!
• The apt will finally see some improvement as we finally get it clean before Katie's parents arrive on Friday.
• We had fresh pineapple today with the SUNDAY PANCAKES. I cant begin to tell you how good fresh whole pineapple is.
• We grilled yesterday. I made quite possibly the besty tasting steak I've made to date. I seasoned it simply with pepper and seasoning salt, coated it with a bit of light evoo and let it sit in some beer for about 45 minutes. I cooked just above medium. Oh. So. Good. I love grilling. Button got a veggie Riblet, which wasnt too bad. A very close replica to the real thing. I was impressed.
• Today we rode our bikes from home to the library. It was fun! Made really good time, too.
• We watched Sin City, or started to. It didnt interest either of us enough to really even get halfway through. It was visually really good... but... enh.
• I think I kinda want Chinese for diner, but dont know what Button wants.

Easter with my parents was odd, interesting, good, then... more usual. I got home Friday night, and we chatted really nice, which was odd. Saturday was even weirder, with my parents getting along, and we were actually talking about things, then me and mom went for a walk and we talked. We then took a walk with my dad to schnucks to buy a yogurt. We got along really well, and it was.. well, astounding. Which as we all know, is when the other shoe drops, and the anvil, and any other idioms. Suffice to say, Sunday was more the usual for my parents, they bickered, Mom started a fight, and I got my feelings hurt.

In the end, I'm just thankful for Saturday, for something more like what I remember from so long ago. Back when we were a real family who ate at the dinner table and talked about stuff and was.. real. The more I'm around my parents now, the less I feel I know who I grew up with. I dont always know them. We grew apart so long ago, mostly because I needed to seperate myself from them, because I knew if I didnt, I'd end up like them. And I didnt want that. But I still find myself doing what I know I'd tell others not to do. I always find myself back at seventeen, helping out with the bills, but now instead of bills, I just get emotionally hijacked.

My mom says she misses me, and she does. But I think she misses more the idea of who I was in her mind more than the person I really was, or am now; niether of whom she is interested in knowing. And my dad... my dad hasnt really cared a lot about much of anyone but himself for a long time. We came to an understanding a long time ago when he was no longer able to terrify me into submission. I have so many good memories of my life with my parents, but they are always of moments where times were good, and we did things together. I only wish .... In someways I wish I could go home to those memories. Go back to the trailer, in a sense. Going back home to the happy place that before my apartments was the only home I'd known. A home that fell apart long before it was destroyed.

Well, that cheered things right up, didnt it? *sigh*

Oh!

Button made Applesauce bread last night! VERY GOOD.

Day one..

Well, its Day one with out Button. I'm already depressed. But more than that, I'm bored. When you spend so much time with someone, and the make up so much of your life, and then they are gone...

In a sense, I feel like I get a brief glimpse of what a person who loses a life compainion feels, only with out the horror and complete loss of that person.

We're having our first spring rain. The weather is nice, warm as March goes. The rain has been a constant today. It has either been raining, or wanting to rain, or getting ready to rain. I've been letting myself enjoy the gentle tapping of the rain on the outside. I opened the kitchen windows last nigh, and when I got home tonight I opened up the bedroom window.

The pleasant tempature combined with the dampness is the culprit in my amazing amount of stiffness in my bad knee, but hopefully that problem will go away this summer as I start to exercise again. Amazingly, for the first time ever, I find myself missing exercising. I cant wait to get to ride my bike again. Monday I'm going to check out the gym on 18th Street. I hope it doesnt suck.

"Farting is like breathing for your butt!!"

Its been a fairl uneventful week so far. I made a fairly decent pizza which was rolled too thin, and didnt want to slide off the pizza board onto the pizza stone. *sigh* But the pizza itself was tasty!

Tommorow is Chinese night, followed by our week TV night; Close to Home, John Stossel(!!) (ok, '20/20'), House, and then Battlestar Galactica at midnight! Sadl, BSG is wrapping up for the season. Grrr!! Oh well, soon I hope to get the season on DVD.

I'm toying with the idea of joining a gym. I want to lift some weights and excercise again. I dunno...

Reflections on a clean kitchen

We finally got the pigsty we were calling a kitchen clean the other day, and now its so nice to be in the kitchen. There's something so nice about finally getting a disaster finally corralled into something nice. We've finally began cooking in our nice kitchen again, which is even better. There's something just so wonderful about being in your home, with your loved one, and a nice meal you've made together and just enjoying the company of each other. Its something that I'm sure gets lost over time, maybe because people dont appreciate it as time goes on, but thats true for a lot of things and more importantly, a lot of people.

Button and I went to champaign saturday after she got off work. We first went to Strawberry Fields, where Button got her natural and health food fix,, and I got some more Annies pasta-in-a-box er... boxes. (YAY!!) We then went to the Verizon store, and looked at the phones we're going to be getting. Finally, we went to Borders, where we looked at all the books, and we both bought books. Button got a book on simple vegitarian dishes, and I got a book called "The Lovely Bones". I read it on Sat and Sunday and was finished with it on Sunday night. It was one of the best books I've read in a long while. Quite beautiful and heartbreaking. We then went to RED LOBSTER(!!!) where I of course had Shrimp Alfredo and a shit ton of biscuts(!!!!!)

I think Friday is going to be a Stevie D appreciation night, which will be great since I'm checking on frida day. Meh. Anyways, we're going to the GREAT and WONDERFUL Cross County Mall (or whatever the fuck it calls its podunk mall wannabe self) for Chinese Buffet action! And then going to see Ultraviolet, which I've been wanting to see since the first commercial for it. It looks cool, yo.

Looking back is good, I suppose

I was thinking earlier about how much things have changed over the past two years. (ps, note to self, y button sticks, avoid letter y words)

My life has finally reached a point where it is not a dail struggle for sanity, or to just keep up with today, but to finally be in a place where I find myself optomistic about m fututre.

The incredible ways in which my life have changed did so with some bang, and a lot of support from one Button. And as the date of our engamement closes in, I think its fair to thank her so much for helping me to find a happier place to be in.

I love you so much angel.