I'm listening to Prelude to War again.  I've been able to listen to it repeatedly for who knows how many times now.  I love this fraking song.  It's disturbing how much I like this song.

I know I've let you down.  And I've known for a while.  Which has made the cycle of despair and regret to allow me to do worse.  I kind of stopped trying, I suppose.  I could tell you what I've told myself, that work was tough, and school was rough this semester, and I also didn't have anytime for myself and whatever else, but the truth is I stopped trying at somepoint.  I don't think the problems are all your fault, or even mostly.  I stopped trying, and I stopped... I don't know how to describe it, but when I realized how bad things were, we were already a mess, school was faltering, and I didn't know how to stop it.

So I guess it comes down to trying to try again.  And this is the point where Yoda pops up with a helpful Do or Do not bit.  So I shall do.  And I will fail.  Because it is hard, and I'm not good at this, at improving myself.  But what I want to do this time is to get up and do again after I fail.   And I'm sure that you will kick my ass a few times when I need it.

I hope you know I love you.  I will always love you.   I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me.  I'm sorry you couldn't tell me what was wrong.  I'm not sorry I lost your trust, because I deserved it; I'm going to just work to regain it.

There are things in my life that are broken, in ways that are not good for me;I'm wanting to fix them.  

- Our relationship is the priority on that list.  

-My health, weight, etc is on that list.  I'm horrible about it, but I will start and I will try, and I make no promises or goals, other than to try everyday.  

-School is also something I need to do better, and I have plans for that which begun before the school year was out.  The sad thing about that is that the grades I got were almost a relief, since I was fearing worse.  

-I need to resolve the rift between myself and my parents.  This doesn't mean that they will be a part of lives again, or that they won't.  I don't see them ever being a part of our lives again, but I need to resolve this, because it weighs on me, and I don't want it to, but it does, and the longer it has, the more it has.  I don't talk about it because ... well, you know why.  But I'm going to have to solve this, because I need to move on.  

- There is a small bump on the bunny, but it hasn't grown at all since I discovered it.  I check on it every night, and its the same size.  But in march when he goes in for a checkup it should be looked at.

Ok, I'm off to do laundry.

Common Theme: sneaking up

This post has a soundtrack which is in no way related to the contents, but just is awesome.

Its hard to believe that the year is almost over.  It seems like the semester was just begining, and thats spring 08 semester I refer, not spring 09.  I guess its hard to imagine a way to describe the passage of time, but it really is like holding sand in your hand, it just slips through and before you know you can be aware of its passage, its gone.

This semester was highly dissapointing, for many reasons, most of which had to do with letting myself be distracted by what I thought was wrong.  OR maybe it was wrong, and I just tried to deal with it and somehow that wasn't the way to solve it.  Along the way I lost track of things, and let school slip.  I guess I didn't realize how fast the semester went till it was over.  I'm going to have to focus this semester to make up this ground I lost.  

Dash has informed me its quarter till midnight, quarter till christmas.  I don't know how I feel about Christmas this year, it kind of came out of nowhere and hit as well.   I 'got' Button her tragus piercing for christmas, but otherwise we sucked at doing christmas this year.

I just emptied out the bottle of wine I started when I got home around 6:30.  I suppose since it took me 4-5 hours to drink it I shouldn't feel too bad in the morning.  I dunno.  I've spent the night playing on the internet, not exactly the Norman Rockwell Christmas Eve Special, I know.  Button went to a party and hung out with Sis tonight.  I don't know if she can understand why I get upset when she does this.  I guess I don't either, except I do.  I'm lonely.  And I just want her to be here to lighten my world.  I don't want to take away her friends, but ...  I dunno... I suppose I need to make friends.  

For the record, this was really great wine.  Good flavor.  

I'm listening to the Battlestar Galactica soundtrack for Season 3.  Really good stuff.  Season two was awesome as well.  PRelude to War is totes the greatest, but the whole thing has been really good.  I need to get these songs.  I want to listen to them more, some of it is truly great stuff.  The rest is just averagly amazingly awesome.

So, Button texted that she should be leaving soon, and if all the gifts are wrapped its straight to coon, which will be an issue since none of the gifts are wrapped.  

The Music of Us

Its amazing how you sometimes think about things, and how they can mark the milestones of your life. I often find myself looking through our (sign of the modern times and all) iTunes purchased playlist, and I always look through the songs, and the memories they bring back. Its sometimes somber, sometimes deliriously happy or just mush-ily cute. But its always us, for better or worse, and the memories are always amazing. Its a rich history we have already, and I cant imagine it any other way...



Accidently in love, Are you gonna be my girl - The begining of that magical summer of love. The summer without drama, when everything was new and awkward and indescribably perfect. We had no idea of the future to come because the present was so amazing. The Sangamon County Fair, The computers in the basement, grilling, and all those movies. Staying up way to late just holding each other.
She will be loved, With you - Summer waning, Button leaving for Californiacation Trip 2, Watchng her plane take off, Waiting for her to come back, The state fair.
I'll be seeing you - The Notebook, Button going to college
Days go by, My happy ending - Decatur. Crum. Him. Drama. So much unnessicary drama. Saddness.
Vienna, Riverwide - Depression. Why Button bought Riverwide is beyond me since I had it. Decatur in the rain, Walgreens in the background, oh the eerie premonition...
California - Button discovers the OC. Our TV habits never recover.
Sharp Dressed Man - Christmas '04. The deepest dark hole I ever remember being in. The new Apt.
Wonderful Tonight - Valentines '05. The best look of surprise on Button's face... Ever.
Forever Young - "...win or lose..." Laughing with the love of my life...
Dancing with Myself - Lucy. This is still Lucy's favorite song.
Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves - Cher with Sara. THE DRIVE THAT WOULD NOT END.
Holiday, Blvd of Broken Dreams, Honkytonk U - TVD retakes control of the musical selection... for better or worse.
Making Memories of Us - Picking Button up from Lantz, surprising her with this song. Spring '05...
These Boots are made for Walking - Summer '05 - Bike rides, laughter, SWIMMING, The Dukes of Hazzard, grilling...
Hollaback Girl - Pancake Sunday. I hear this song and I think of pancake sunday. And 867-5309.
You and Me - Button comes home to me. Fall Semestyer begins for her. Fall. Our birthdays.
Rock and Roll Queen - OC Season 3 - DRAMA!
I walk the Line/Ring of Fire - Walk the line. Cooning with Button at the theatre.
Anything but Mine - January '06 - The begining of the Hell Semester, The New Apt
Always on Your Side - Our 2nd Anniversary. Jimmy Johns in coon. The perfect anniversary, really.
You're Beautiful - Late night Wal-Mart Trips.

I love you Baby.