DP 112908

My wonderful family.

Ah, happyness, my fleeting friend...

So its back, the mysterious fog. Its my fault its back. I let myself slip. I let the junk food monster out. I've more or less come to the opinion I'm a junk food addict. I don't want to eat that shit, but once my mind decides it wants it, it all I can think about. And it was all I could think about last weekend. God, I'm so dumb.

I fucked up Buttons birthday because I couldnt figure out what to get her, so I kept putting it off till it was too late. I'm such an idiot.

I dont know what I should do anymore. I dont know who to turn to. I had the thought yesterday that now that we have a garage, I could pull Lil'Buddie in there, and me and Davis could just go to sleep, so he wouldnt have surgery and I could just finally sleep and not be a burden to everyone in my life. I could finally stop being the butt of everyone's joke. I could finally find peace, maybe. I dunno...

Yeah, that sounds a lot worse that I actually am.

Life, at its unfairest.

Davis has to have surgery again, this time he's going to loose his leg. His growth has gotten so huge and he's in pain and uncomfortable. Its just not fair. He's had such a rough life, and it just never seems to get any easier for him. I'm worried how he is going to react to loosing his leg. What would that be like, to be put to sleep in a strange place and wake up missing a paw? I feel so bad, for him, and for doing this to him, and for not wanting to do this to him. He deserves so much better from the world.

Button still hasnt found a job. She's been applying, but no one calls her back. She is taking it badly, and feels it is a reflection on her that they dont call her back. Maybe, or maybe she's applying for jobs she overqualified, and she's too afraid to really try to get a job that she should have, a real job for her, which would match her intelligince and excitement, and her belief in how things could be.

Her school has been going rough for her, and she is becoming disillusioned. She has such a pure spirit, and she was so excited and happy to go to graduate school, and now to watch her be beaten down by these people, and this school to which she had put so much hope and excitement and energy into let her down is maddening and upseting.

Its her birthday today, and we dont have the money to do anything. We're so fucking broke, and I'm so tired of being broke, and I am loosing my hope for the future. It seemed so bright just a little while ago, but now it seems so distant and dark, unforeseeably scary.

I'm thinking of applying for a night job at either schnucks or walmart so we can actually have some money. I dont know when I'll be able to sleep, but I need to do something to save us. Button and I don't see each other much anymore, so its not like it would be a huge adjustment, except we wouldnt get to fall asleep together, which is something I'd miss. But we need the money so badly.

The darkness of my mind is creeping in again, so I imagine thats colored my mind. I try to shove it aside, but it hides off to the side, waiting till I'm not looking to creep in again. I dont know what we're going to do. I love school so much, but I shouldn't have come back. We couldnt afford it, and I knew we wouldnt be able to. But now I'm even more in debt, so I can't drop back out.

Cutest. Thing. Ever.

From Bunny Cuteness

Soo... Davis is eating Kibble on the couch... and he gets done... and he goes to hop down... and a flurry of hairs fly off him... just like in the cartoons, when the cartoon leaves and the cloud is all thats left... like that... only cuter.