Happy Birfday?

So its my birthday.

It seems so odd to think that its my birthday. I'm suddenly 27? I think part of my problem with birthdays is that they are so intangible. Its hard to perceive how I went to bed 26 and woke up 27? I don't feel older (well, actually, my knee's were soooo sore yesterday. I'm so old. :'( ) and nothing has really changed from yesterday.

I guess Icant recall really celebrating birthdays when I was growing up. I dont recall what all we did, and I dont think we did much. I always had mom make a cherry crunch (almost like a n uniced danish, I suppose), and ... I dunno, I think Grandma and Grandpa would take us out to dinner for mom and my birthday. And I always felt then that that was too much. I've always avoided celebrating me, I dont like the attention, I suppose. I often feel bad because I know I disappoint Button, who works so hard on these birthdays with my lack of enthusiasm, but somehow in the end, she always ends up giving me some of her excitement at my birthday.

Which is why she's the most amazing person ever.

DP 101307

Patches!

Grr....

My Communications teacher was 12 minutes late today. She's 5 minutes late at least everyday. We did nothing the first day of class. We didnt even have a sylabus until the second class, and we spent the whole time going over that. So it took three days to even attempt to teach something. She wears nothing but pajama pants to class.

Now, I dont want super professionalism, or even ultra-comptency, but... I'm paying (or, will be paying back, with interest) a lot of money, and she's wasting it.

OF course, we got out of class an hour early last night for chemistry. We got out a half hour early the time before. If I keep track of this, do you think I can have a refund?

--

On a non-related note, I think I know my most dangerous enemy this semester: me. I'm bored. Math is the only class really challenging me, but I keep avoiding doing my other classes work, and Chemistry is going to make me shove something into my forehead. I knew it was going to be rough, but I guess I forgot how hard a time I have focusing when I'm not challenged. So I need to actually start on my comm and philo homework soon. Grrr....

Settling in

So, my first week of school is over. Its odd how fast it went. And it wasnt as bad as I had thought...

LOL

Saying Goodbye

I said my first 'real' goodbye the other day. It was my last time working with Erin. Its sad that I'm going to say goodbye to all these people whom I've come to know and love in the years I've been there.

I've started saying goodbye to some customers, just the ones whom I dont want them to have to go "Where's Steven at?". As opposed to the ones whom I could care less about. They might try and track me down to fix their problems. *shudder*

Its so sad and weird, leaving. I'm going to miss this place and these people so very much.

Well, things are getting better... and more confusing...

Good news - finally got married. Finally have a place to live. Now if I could just find a place to work. I'm annoyed beyond belief at how agonizing it is to find a new store to work at. I'm slowly losing my mind here.

And I fucked up the student loans, so now I'm waiting for them to be approved. I really wish they were clearer about how the process works, from beginning to end. It shouldn't be this vague. Or I suppose I just didnt read all the details, but I really didnt see any details.

I dunno.

But we're married, and we have a place to live, and I'm enrolled in classes. So things are moving forward. Slowly.

Coolness...

So I went to the United States Post Office today to get stamps, and I asked the magic question - "What do you have that is interesting?".  And I did...

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The amazing thing is...

The reason I know we're going to work is the fact that we can always talk. Eventually we talk, and we sort things out. We steady each other in a way that reinforces each other, and ourselves.

I think thats why I never worry about us and our future together. In the end we find each other, for better or worse, and we steady each other. We are always there in the end for each other.

After our talk today, I feel as if a great weight has been lifted off of me. I know that we will make it through The Debacle and School and Life, because we will have each other; and in the end, I dont need anything else.

I found my lighthouse, and her name is Button. And I'm a lucky guy.

I love you so much, roo.

Ah... school

So I've gone and done everything now. I've sent my entire finacial history, swore I was an Illinois resident, and signed up for placement tests...

So now what?

I'm not for certain.

We need to find a place to live.

We need to get married.

And I need to figure out how to pay for it all.

*sigh*

I just dont know what to do anymore.

And now I cant seem to get good sleep anymore. I just wake up feeling so tired. I dont know what to do to change this, but I need to.

On the flip side, I'm slowly feeling better internally. I can usually mask it better than I did before, but I still feel it, especially when I'm alone. I guess the only thing to do is to keep going onward.

Much like moving our life away from this place, where our love took root and blossomed. Yeah, that was cheezy, but I'm feeling cheezy.

I want to love on her. I want to feel that emotional connection. But she doesnt. And I try to tell myself its not that she doesnt love me or that she's whatever, but it still hurts. I miss that connection we had. And I dont know how to get that back either.

Commencement

Button graduated today. Its amazing how fast time flies. It was just yesterday I had just met this amazing freshman and now she's an aluring and intelligent alum.

I guess that gives me hope for the future in a way I never thought of. Maybe school wont last for ever. Maybe we'll start our lives for real... not for real, I suppose... maybe we'll finally settle down sooner than it seems. Maybe tomorrow will be here sooner that it seems.

Dawn never seems to be here until you suddenly look up and there it is. I guess thats a good metaphor for life too.

Maybe it will all work out.

Once the damned wedding is over, and we get back to living our lives, of course.

...

I feel suicidal.

I'm not actually suicidal.

I guess thats an important difference. I feel tired of it all. I just want to be at peace, want to not be lost in the void that is my mind these days. I dont want to have to fake being happy anymore, and I dont want to see happy people.

I guess the thought of going to a desert isle with just The Bun and Button is the best one yet. All alone, away from the whole world.

I'm tired.

I tired of the world.

I'm tired of feeling alone, and left behind.

Awwww-ness.

Look at our little dude.

He's quite possibly the cutest lil bun ever.

Its amazing how full he makes our lives. And all he wants back is a little love. And a lot of Kibble.

I still dont understand how someone could abandon him. I just... dont.

Cutest. Thing. Ever.

From Bunny Cuteness

Soo... Davis is eating Kibble on the couch... and he gets done... and he goes to hop down... and a flurry of hairs fly off him... just like in the cartoons, when the cartoon leaves and the cloud is all thats left... like that... only cuter.

At the End of the Day

At the end of the day
when all the trials of life
seem too much to bear
and the shape of the world
yet to be is unclear

I know you're there
holding me steady
pushing me forward
pulling me from the edge

At the end of the day,
when the world is to much
and the road ahead is twisted
I know you're with me
and we'll get through
to the other side of life
together, side by side

At the end of the day
when my thoughts are full
of things undone and words unsaid

At the end of the day
there's only you and me
In my mind
In my heart
In my soul

At the end of the day,
At the start of the day,
and every second between,
I love you

And at the end of the day,
I find I love you more
than I did at the start

-SED 4/24/07

Grrr!

The down side of doing a good thing is there is always the reward. And its usually not a nice one.

We canceled our cable. We really didnt use it. Not really. But of course, now that Heroes has returned... I want my cable back! Whine!

Oh well, thank the non-existent gods for iTunes.

The odd thing...

I really like getting up early. Its nice, its relaxing. And I dont have to rush around.

And I like to work out in the morning. I feel more energetic.

That is all.

On other fronts....

I need to go to bed.

Remember that now.

1) Working out - I'm trying to get back into going. I was doing really awesome there for a while and then I got sidetracked... and then more, and then... well, it was bad. So I'm trying to go back again. I just need to go. So I need to go to bed instead of writing this. But here I am...

2)The Wedding (debacle) - My mom is a pain in my ass. If there was only a way I could brainwash her so I only have to deal with her when I want to... life would be so much easier. She wrote me an email about how the rehearsal dinner was her responsibility, and she was going to have a picnic, by god, cheerio! No, really, she ended her smarmy little blip with cheerio. So I told her off... and she hasnt responded in a week. Over a week now. I dunno. Anyways.

3) School - I need to find out what I should be doing now. And I need to work on getting some scholarships or something.

4) Life - I've been depressed again. I cant get back in my happy state. I'm sure its the above and more, and whatever else, but I just cant... switch it on. I'm hurting Katie. I'm hurting me. And I dont know how to stop being sad.

Its funny how you never realize your house has become a home, just like everyone else's. Until that is, you see a picture of your place, and you realize its just like everyone else's.

I love this place. I love living here. I dont want to leave it. I dont want to leave our life here.

I know when we get to Edwardsville, and we get moved in, and time passes, I'll be home there. I know that. But right now, I'm home. And I'm leaving it. Again.

I've lived in 7 places that I can think of since I was born. I've only truly called two of them home, and this is one of them. Its like an old friend that you're moving away from.

Ultimatly, I just want a home. And not move. Ever again. I want to settle down, have kids, raise them, get rid of them and grow into the irrasable cranky old man I've been working towards.

Oh, and I want a porch, dammit.

Life is interesting

We had another wonderful weekend together again this weekend. Its amazing how wonderful our time together is. I worry often that when the new school year begins that we'll never have that again. Soon it will be school and work, then it will be work and kids, and then you have your time together, but in an empty house. I'm going to miss our quiet weekends when school starts.

I'm terrified about going back to school. I dont know how we're going to pay the bills, how are we going to work, will we ever see each other? We both want the life that comes after our schooling, but I'm just worried about the years between them.

But then again, I worry a lot.