Update

I'm slowly returning to life. Which is to say I've stopped moping around the house, lol.

So, good news: I feel better. I finally figured things out.

It's funny what a perfect moment is like.

I had this dream, you see. Katie and I were arguing in our house, which was not a house I or we had ever lived in. She was leaving me. I guess it was really the fight we should have had but never did. Anyways, she left and I had this epic meltdown in my dream. I was throwing things outside. I burned her possessions. I destroyed the house, because I was so mad at her. She destroyed our house, the house we built together in the dream, was now a rotting run-down house, and I was left there alone with it all by myself.  And I just screamed and screamed, at her, at myself, at no one.  And then I woke up.

And I remembered this dream.

What you may not realize is: I never, ever have remembered a dream, with one exception, prior to this dream. My subconscious was desperate for my conscious self to understand this: I was mad at Katie. Lividly.


But I wasn't aware of it until that moment when I woke up. I've never had such a feeling a clarity in my life. I've never felt what it's like to see everything and understand the world in your head so perfectly clear.

Of course, that clarity passed. But what remained was the fact that it wasn't my fault. I wasn't the one who left. I'm a flawed human being, and at fault for a lot of things, but not the failure of my marriage. And I wasn't happy about that loss.

I'm still lonely, but it's a better kind of lonely now.

And I think I'm a better person now. I've since stopped taking my meds. And I don't mope around anymore.  And I'm trying to be a better friend; I'm slowly making new ones. This school year will be different, because I'm a new person now.

From this crucible has evolved a newer, possibly better, me.

More on dating, later...

Insomnia strikes, so I update...

I just didn't go to bed.  So I need to do some homework.  Anywhoo, my problem is this: I'm not for certain I want to go to pharmacy school.  Not because I think I couldn't hack it, or that I would be a bad pharmacist.  but will I really want to deal with the same bullshit I deal with now for 30 years?  Will I burn out?  Or will I just get bored with it?  Will I still enjoy it as much when I'm not learning something new at work?

I'm really tempted to just go for the chemistry degree.  I could go on to teach chemistry, and I think I'd be a good chemistry teacher.  And mybe I'd like doing research.  I won't know until I try it, I suppose.

Its amazing how my once certain future is unraveling and its really exciting and scary at the same time.

Personal goals

I suppose I'm not always good at these things, but I want to write them down somewhere:

- Be more me more often.  I'm always feeling this constant sense of ... unease around people and things.  I need to stop that.  Just be me.
- Heal.
- Be a better friend.  I don't have a lot of them, but the ones I have are really awesome, and I owe them to be better.
- Better a better companion to Davis.  He deserves better.
- Let the past go.  Its time to move on with my life already.

[Godless Blogger]

Reflections on another year gone by...

I have spent the past few months trying to steady myself out (ok, thats a lie, I spent it wallowing in self pity and despair).  In all sense of reckoning, this year has sucked.  And I truly had a moment of .. pause.. I guess is the best term.  I paused.  You ever walk, and for whatever reason your leg doesn't respond like it should, and you miss a step.  Thats what I had happen.  It was and is a painful, raw feeling.

But I suppose like most forms of grieving, mine is following the standard five steps, etc.  I was certainly in denial for a while.  And then anger took root, and I was angry.  Thought that was short lived.  The depression certainly took me to new levels of.. stupidity.  I think somewhere around the denial and anger was a bit of bargaining.  I'm not going to pretend I've accepted it, but I've realized I need to move on with my life.  And I suppose one day I'll accept what has happened to my life.

Maybe.

So I guess I should tell the -3 people who might read this...

I'm trying to be more blog, less drama.  Just sayin.

Dammit, I hate when this happens...

For once, I guess I have to agree with Sarah Palin, thats not an appropriate cover.  I really do wonder who would have approved of that and thought it was a good idea.  It'd be different if she was an athelete, but she's a politician, and should be covered as such...  Dunno...


From Jezebel

Oh, its on!

Dear Rep. Shimkus,

For years I have watched and been embarrassed by your actions and your rhetoric, but I was never inspired by you as I have been this year. Between your cheap punditry and the disrespect you showed when you walked away from President Obama, to any of the many other acts you have done this year, I'm inspired. Never before have I donated to a local election before, nor have I ever wanted to volunteer or help with a campaign. But you've inspired me to do these things. I plan to actively oppose your reelection, and try to get others to do the same. I just wanted to let you know, and thank you for the inspiration.

"No God means the possibility of less suffering in the future."

Yes.

[Godless Blogger]

I know not with what

Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away / And I'm left to carry on and wonder why

I guess after my last posts I left this all behind. But in the end I'm simply out of people to talk to. Our marriage is over, and I'm left behind. The only thing worse than the fact that the person I loved and wanted to spend forever with left is the emptiness that I feel inside. I just keep going day to day, but I've lost my drive to do anything. In so many ways things are better now. We were miserable in the last weeks. But now I'm just so much more alone than I have ever been. Its a silence in the house that weighs on me, and I don't want to come home to an empty house. But I have no where to go, and nothing to do. I think to myself that I want to meet someone, but I know I'm not wanting to be in a relationship, I just want companionship, and its a selfish wish.

I never thought my life was going to end up like this. I never thought I'd end up alone, almost thirty and starting my life over again.

'Is there some place far away, some place where all is clear

Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wander, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No, it isn't how it's really meant to be.'

I wish I could have spun faster.

http://xkcd.com/162/

I just didn't know tomorrow would be yesterday.

Did you say it?
I love you
I dont ever want to live without you
You changed my life
Did you say it?
Make a plan
Set a goal
Work toward it
But every now and then look around
Drink it in
Cause this is it
It might all be gone tomorrow

So things didn't turn out right, does that make the past worthless?

So my wife realized/accepted/came to terms with her sexuality. One that's not the same as mine. I don't know when this happened, and I plan to discuss this and talk about it more, but the issue isn't about that really.

What do we do now? What is our future? What is my future? Who am I now that I am not her husband?

I knew the moment I first kissed her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. What do I do with my life now? Who am I?

Obviously, we've got a lot to still discuss. Divorcing now has a lot of down sides. But waiting isn't such a good option either.

But I don't want to spend my life without her. But we can't go on like this either.

I guess we'll just have to see.

Finals

Wow, I have not updated all semester. That's special. It's finals time, and the science building is quiet. I'll try to find a dp for today, I think.

Daily picture

Demo day!

School Updates

School always starts out weird. Its like you have all this nervous energy as the courses start, and no way to expend it. So you're all fired up and just waiting. Its so vexing. Of course, its also soon to be over, as the classes get going and the teachers begin to go into the class full tilt. This semester I have even longer breaks between classes, and I plan to use them as much as possible. I've started typing up my notes, and I plan to continue, although I've decided Calc might be the exception to that rule, since obviously ... its not easily typeable.


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Now playing: Green Day & U2 - The Saints Are Coming (Live from New Orleans)
via FoxyTunes

The cows have to be cold.

So I've been walking, third day today.  I've gotten up to a whole hour of walking.  Its interesting, and I get a chance to listen to some podcasts and think and relax.  But I'm so sore.  Soooo sore.

I'm listening to Prelude to War again.  I've been able to listen to it repeatedly for who knows how many times now.  I love this fraking song.  It's disturbing how much I like this song.

I know I've let you down.  And I've known for a while.  Which has made the cycle of despair and regret to allow me to do worse.  I kind of stopped trying, I suppose.  I could tell you what I've told myself, that work was tough, and school was rough this semester, and I also didn't have anytime for myself and whatever else, but the truth is I stopped trying at somepoint.  I don't think the problems are all your fault, or even mostly.  I stopped trying, and I stopped... I don't know how to describe it, but when I realized how bad things were, we were already a mess, school was faltering, and I didn't know how to stop it.

So I guess it comes down to trying to try again.  And this is the point where Yoda pops up with a helpful Do or Do not bit.  So I shall do.  And I will fail.  Because it is hard, and I'm not good at this, at improving myself.  But what I want to do this time is to get up and do again after I fail.   And I'm sure that you will kick my ass a few times when I need it.

I hope you know I love you.  I will always love you.   I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me.  I'm sorry you couldn't tell me what was wrong.  I'm not sorry I lost your trust, because I deserved it; I'm going to just work to regain it.

There are things in my life that are broken, in ways that are not good for me;I'm wanting to fix them.  

- Our relationship is the priority on that list.  

-My health, weight, etc is on that list.  I'm horrible about it, but I will start and I will try, and I make no promises or goals, other than to try everyday.  

-School is also something I need to do better, and I have plans for that which begun before the school year was out.  The sad thing about that is that the grades I got were almost a relief, since I was fearing worse.  

-I need to resolve the rift between myself and my parents.  This doesn't mean that they will be a part of lives again, or that they won't.  I don't see them ever being a part of our lives again, but I need to resolve this, because it weighs on me, and I don't want it to, but it does, and the longer it has, the more it has.  I don't talk about it because ... well, you know why.  But I'm going to have to solve this, because I need to move on.  

- There is a small bump on the bunny, but it hasn't grown at all since I discovered it.  I check on it every night, and its the same size.  But in march when he goes in for a checkup it should be looked at.

Ok, I'm off to do laundry.