Update

I'm slowly returning to life. Which is to say I've stopped moping around the house, lol.

So, good news: I feel better. I finally figured things out.

It's funny what a perfect moment is like.

I had this dream, you see. Katie and I were arguing in our house, which was not a house I or we had ever lived in. She was leaving me. I guess it was really the fight we should have had but never did. Anyways, she left and I had this epic meltdown in my dream. I was throwing things outside. I burned her possessions. I destroyed the house, because I was so mad at her. She destroyed our house, the house we built together in the dream, was now a rotting run-down house, and I was left there alone with it all by myself.  And I just screamed and screamed, at her, at myself, at no one.  And then I woke up.

And I remembered this dream.

What you may not realize is: I never, ever have remembered a dream, with one exception, prior to this dream. My subconscious was desperate for my conscious self to understand this: I was mad at Katie. Lividly.


But I wasn't aware of it until that moment when I woke up. I've never had such a feeling a clarity in my life. I've never felt what it's like to see everything and understand the world in your head so perfectly clear.

Of course, that clarity passed. But what remained was the fact that it wasn't my fault. I wasn't the one who left. I'm a flawed human being, and at fault for a lot of things, but not the failure of my marriage. And I wasn't happy about that loss.

I'm still lonely, but it's a better kind of lonely now.

And I think I'm a better person now. I've since stopped taking my meds. And I don't mope around anymore.  And I'm trying to be a better friend; I'm slowly making new ones. This school year will be different, because I'm a new person now.

From this crucible has evolved a newer, possibly better, me.

More on dating, later...

Insomnia strikes, so I update...

I just didn't go to bed.  So I need to do some homework.  Anywhoo, my problem is this: I'm not for certain I want to go to pharmacy school.  Not because I think I couldn't hack it, or that I would be a bad pharmacist.  but will I really want to deal with the same bullshit I deal with now for 30 years?  Will I burn out?  Or will I just get bored with it?  Will I still enjoy it as much when I'm not learning something new at work?

I'm really tempted to just go for the chemistry degree.  I could go on to teach chemistry, and I think I'd be a good chemistry teacher.  And mybe I'd like doing research.  I won't know until I try it, I suppose.

Its amazing how my once certain future is unraveling and its really exciting and scary at the same time.

Personal goals

I suppose I'm not always good at these things, but I want to write them down somewhere:

- Be more me more often.  I'm always feeling this constant sense of ... unease around people and things.  I need to stop that.  Just be me.
- Heal.
- Be a better friend.  I don't have a lot of them, but the ones I have are really awesome, and I owe them to be better.
- Better a better companion to Davis.  He deserves better.
- Let the past go.  Its time to move on with my life already.

[Godless Blogger]

Reflections on another year gone by...

I have spent the past few months trying to steady myself out (ok, thats a lie, I spent it wallowing in self pity and despair).  In all sense of reckoning, this year has sucked.  And I truly had a moment of .. pause.. I guess is the best term.  I paused.  You ever walk, and for whatever reason your leg doesn't respond like it should, and you miss a step.  Thats what I had happen.  It was and is a painful, raw feeling.

But I suppose like most forms of grieving, mine is following the standard five steps, etc.  I was certainly in denial for a while.  And then anger took root, and I was angry.  Thought that was short lived.  The depression certainly took me to new levels of.. stupidity.  I think somewhere around the denial and anger was a bit of bargaining.  I'm not going to pretend I've accepted it, but I've realized I need to move on with my life.  And I suppose one day I'll accept what has happened to my life.

Maybe.

So I guess I should tell the -3 people who might read this...

I'm trying to be more blog, less drama.  Just sayin.

Dammit, I hate when this happens...

For once, I guess I have to agree with Sarah Palin, thats not an appropriate cover.  I really do wonder who would have approved of that and thought it was a good idea.  It'd be different if she was an athelete, but she's a politician, and should be covered as such...  Dunno...


From Jezebel

Oh, its on!

Dear Rep. Shimkus,

For years I have watched and been embarrassed by your actions and your rhetoric, but I was never inspired by you as I have been this year. Between your cheap punditry and the disrespect you showed when you walked away from President Obama, to any of the many other acts you have done this year, I'm inspired. Never before have I donated to a local election before, nor have I ever wanted to volunteer or help with a campaign. But you've inspired me to do these things. I plan to actively oppose your reelection, and try to get others to do the same. I just wanted to let you know, and thank you for the inspiration.

"No God means the possibility of less suffering in the future."

Yes.

[Godless Blogger]

I know not with what